PP Weakness and a concert of prayer

Dear Prayer Partners,

     I'm dealing with weakness today. Not that I'm feeling weak right now, I'm thankful for the strength I have. In my inner being I am concerned with how long the BOP is going to shuffle papers before they let me go home. I wouldn't mind the time, the wait, but in the flesh I see my strength dissipating. I want my grandchildren to see me up and around. For three years they have come and visited me in a visiting center where all we could do is sit and talk. I am thinking about being with them when I have strength like I have now. I can walk, talk, and have fun, maybe go in a boat, ride in a canoe, build a campfire or even do some camping. I would like the strength to do that.

     I know that out of a possible thousand of you who follow my emails, there are many of you who are dealing with weakness as well, prayed long and hard and still struggle. In fact, most of you are very familiar with pain and loss and that's the reason you are so gracious to me in my circumstance. You have been so gracious in your emails and cards saying you are being ministered to by this. I pray that this will minister to you as you minister to me.

     Our daughter Lora said she prays so much she doesn't even knowhow to pray anymore. I know the feeling. I did some thinking about praying for strength using biblical texts. I want to end this email - or the next in a concert of prayer for all of us who partner in this prison experience. Before I do I want to dwell a little on weakness.

Romans 8:26 -  "Likewise the spirit helps us in our weakness, for we do not know how to pray as we ought but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groaning too deep for words and he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the spirit, because the spirit intercedes for the Saints according to the will of God".

   That is always a great comfort to me because I feel my prayers are so weak. Now regarding the weakness of my own flesh, in this case with cancer, I like: I Cor. 15:42 "So it is with the resurrection of the dead. What is sown is perishable, what is raised is imperishable. It is shown in dishonor, it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness, it is raised in power. It is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body". If there is a natural body, there is a spiritual body.

     Believe me, when you're the first person to go to prison that you have ever known, like I am, you do a lot of thinking about how people see you, what do they think of you, how will you be remembered? Even this is something that is used by God. It's interesting for me to see how God used Satan as a messenger to Paul. II Cor 12:7-10 - "So to keep me from being conceited because of eye surpassing greatness of the revelation, a thorn was given to me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from being conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it would leave me, but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness! Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ then I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

     So the Lord has chosen me for a ministry, not because of my strength, but because of my weakness.
I Cor 1:26 -  "Consider your calling brothers; not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish to the world to shame the wise, God chose what is weak in the world, to shame the strong; God chose what is despised not the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God--------Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord."

    So that was all about weakness. So should we desire weakness? I think not. The lesson for me as I read the above texts is not to desire weakness, but not to cover up weakness. The Lord doesn't work through us because of either our weakness or our strength. He wants to work through us just if we will be open vessels to his spirit, to his calling, if we will be open and honest about ourselves so we do not take credit for what the Lord does.

                                       Pray for strength

I Chronicles 16:11 -  "Seek the Lord and his strength. Seek his presence continually."
Ps 84:5 "Blessed are those whose strength is in you, In whose heart are the highways to heaven.

Ps 105:4 "Seek the Lord and his strength, Seek his presence. Remember the wondrous works he has done, his miracles and the judgments he uttered." Yes, I must remember the wondrous things he has done, even as I have come to prison. I must remember, never forget the grace he has given. Remembering is an active thing, it is not passive. We are prone by nature to forget the great things God has done. We are prone in the flesh to not see the great works of God as being great. We are prone by the flesh to say, "Well, that was lucky".

Mk 12:29-30 "The Lord our God is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all  your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength". And I ask, "Who can do it?" That is why we need to ask God for that. Asking him to increase our capacity to love him the way he deserves and desires to be loved. Asking him to change this heart of mine that doesn't seem to find in itself the capacity to do that.

                                         A CONCERT OF PRAYER

When I hear from you I realize the great number that we are now, joined together in what seems like my story, but it is really God's story. I think of the hundreds of prayers given on my behalf from saints and friends who deal with their own set of circumstances, their own thorns in the flesh, their own prisons. My prison just happens to be a little more spectacular than most so I have an audience through email. I pray for you all often too, that these blessings of this connection will flow back to you, that your lives will be strengthened. Today I would like to do a concert of prayer. There is a favorite prayer of mine, prayed by Paul. I would like all of us to pray this prayer for all of us. Even if you are just a reader who gets this passed on to you through someone else, please include yourself as a partner in this prayer. Join hands at home and pray this for your children and grandchildren as well. God will be praised.

Eph. 3:14-19         Prayer for Spiritual Strength

     "For this reason I bow my knee before the Father from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his spirit, in your inner being. So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you being grounded and rooted in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints, what is the breadth and length and height and depth and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with the fullness of God.

     Now, to him who is able to do much more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever, Amen.

259 PP

Dear Prayer Partners,     ///    Keeping your eye on a landmark, faith, trust

     As I walked the track today I was pondering a truth and making some connections from my childhood days on the farm that really stayed with me. As a boy, I really wanted to be able to do all the things that men do on the farm. Dad let me do a lot of things in the field that were beyond my years, and I know that in order for him to do that he had to settle for less than the best. One thing he never let me do was plant corn. One thing farmers wanted with corn planting was straight rows and the most important row was the first path through the field, because all the other paths through the field would work off the first path. If you got a hitch in the row on the first pass, every row would have a hitch in it after that. I sat on the fender as Dad planted, and he said, "Son, I'll show you how to make a straight row". He said, "You need to pick out something on the horizon way on the far side of the field and drive straight toward it and never take your eyes off it. You can't look back because if you do when your head turns, the steering wheel will turn and you'll have a crooked row. I watched him do it many times, but that is one job he never let me do".

     I practiced his technique with other things. With a disk or a mower, whatever I was doing, I would practice making straight rows. The first cut through the field, I would find a landmark on the far side. I would stand up on the tractor and focus on the landmark. If I needed to look back to check the implement I was pulling I knew I had to stop the tractor, because if I turned my head, my shoulder would turn and there would be a crook in the line. It wasn't absolutely necessary to have everything be perfectly straight, it just gave me something  to do while I was doing my work. Every thing looked nicer with straight rows.

     Many of you know Jonathon Kreps. I taught Jon the lawn business and he worked his way through college with the lawn business. If you ask Jon today about it he will tell you that Bob told me I had to have straight lines. The job was just more professional if all the lines were straight.

     You may wonder why I would be thinking of that today as I walked the track. Well, I was thinking about living the Christian life in all circumstances, and how I have learned  to practice keeping my eye on the landmark all through life. One of my Prayer Partners picked up on this without me saying anything about it, but I am talking about it now. He said, "It seems to me you know how you should live and you're trying to live it out that way". That is exactly right.

     It was because of serving in the Navy that I qualified for the GI bill. Under that bill I was entitled to some education and getting a commercial pilot's license qualified and the government would pay for it. I decided  to take up flying. Learning the basics of flying, how to take off and land are relatively easy. The next biggest challenge is not getting lost. You learn to use landmarks and your compass to keep yourself oriented as to where you are. As a requirement of getting the student permit one had to make a solo cross country flight. For my cross country flight I decided to fly to Bemidji, Minnesota which is straight north of Willmar where I was flying from. All my training was done over agricultural land around Willmar where every square mile is laid out in a section with a road around it, so just by looking at section lines you could easily tell east, from north etc. That day, as I left the agriculture land, about north of Alexandria, I came to the land of lakes and forests. No more roads to mark the directions. Now I knew I really needed to depend on and believe the compass. I had the map on my lap and using pilotage, had planned the railroad tracks, highways, lakes, I could use for land marks and had calculated how many minutes it should take between landmarks. This is basic pilotage. As I nervously watched for the landmarks, and watching my map at the same time, my head was down every time I looked at the map. Then I would look at the compass to make sure I was still heading north. This one time, my head must have been down looking at the map longer than I thought. When I looked up, the compass said West. I thought to myself, that cannot be West. I haven't turned, it can't be West. I tapped the compass to make sure it was working. It was working, but it took me minutes that seemed like an hour to get my mental reality to agree with the compass reality. It was a frightening experience, so much so that I turned the airplane toward home and didn't finish the trip. It scared me how I could become so disoriented that I couldn't believe what the compass was telling me. As a student, that was frightening. As an experienced pilot and hearing about it, it's just funny because planes don't crash because you don't know where you are.  But as a student, looking down and seeing nothing but trees and lakes and not knowing which direction home is, is scary.

     A friend of mine had the same experience and flew to a town that had a water tower and flew low around the water tower to read the name of the town. We never stopped laughing at that one. So this was a simple example of the need to believe in what we say is true, in what we say we believe in.

     As my flying progressed, I wanted to get my instrument rating. With a VFR License you can fly only when the sun is out, basically so you can see whereever you are going, not allowed to fly into a cloud because without training a pilot cannot fly into a cloud and survive more than three minutes. What happens is, you have an artificial horizon instrument that shows you where the horizon should be. When you turn, the artificial turns slant to show you the bank angle of the airplane. It sounds easy as you sit in your chair and think about it. The problem is, when you get into a cloud, you can't see anything. As you get a few bumps, which you can in a cloud, if you turn your head a little your inner ear starts playing tricks on you. You will think you are in a banking turn one way, let's say to the right, so you correct to the left. The truth is you weren't in a banking turn to the right, your body was just telling you that, so when you "corrected" you turned it into a banking turn to the left and you didn't know it. You think you are straight and level and you're not. It is called "vertigo". For a person who is not trained in how to deal with it, it is deadly. You can not survive it. So the first thing you need to learn is to trust your instruments and not your feelings. Your life depends on it.

     There are a number of other things you need to learn to fly instruments, and it is really fun and challenging. You fly many hours "under the hood" with a hood on so you can't see outside the airplane. Of course there is a flight instructor with you to keep you from running into someone. You learn to do unusual attitudes, simulated instrument failures where the flight instructor covers up some instruments like the artificial horizon forcing you to use back up instruments, steep turns under the hood, all very interesting.

     Then comes the day for passing the test, passing the check ride, and then your first solo IFR  (instrument flight rules) flight. Mine was on a Monday morning. I had business in Fargo ND. I had a new Mooney airplane and was really excited for the trip. The ceilings were about 900 feet at Willmar and forecasted to be the same in Fargo. The tops of the clouds were to be at 8,000 feet so i expected to pop out on top and fly in the sunshine. I was looking forward to that because we had just had a long time of dark dreary days. I was looking forward to seeing the sun.

     I filed my flight plan with the FAA. Taxied the airplane to the runway and received my clearance from Minneapolis Center. I took off visually. As I neared the base of the clouds I focused on the instruments. I went into the cloud and did a lot of self talk. Scan all the instruments, don't fixate on any one. I must be sure to tell if one is faulty and giving wrong information.

    On reaching 3,000 feet I check in with Center and they clear me to six thousand feet. As I climb I start picking up some ice. Ice is something you really don't want in an airplane especially one that is not equipped for ice. As I reach six thousand feet I contact Minneapolis Center "reporting at six requesting 8,000. They don't clear me. I see ice forming on the leading edges of the wings, so I know it's on the prop as well. This is my first experience with ice. I ask myself, is this what it's supposed to be like? Finally I call Center and say "Minneapolis Center Mooney -------Hotel, picking up ice asking for higher. This time they clear me to 8,000 feet. At seven thousand feet it starts getting lighter at 7,500 feet I break out on top into beautiful sunshine. Wow! this is what flying is all about. The ice dissipates off the wings. I'm enjoying the sunshine on top of the clouds. I'm just looking all around so amazed at what instrument flying is all about. AS I approach Fargo Hector airport I'm instructed by Center to contact Fargo approach on Freq------.  I have already gotten Fargo ATIS (weather) conditions and they are lower than expected. I contact Fargo approach and they clear me to descend to 3,000 feet and give me a heading that is going to lead me to the outer marker. The wind is out of the south so they are directing me to the north of the airport. They begin vectoring me around to cross the outer marker which will align me up with runway 18. They clear me to descend to 2,400 feet and report when established on the localizer. Established means on course, at the right altitude. I report established on the ling, outer marker inbound. They turn me over to the tower and tower tells me I'm cleared to land. At the outer marker I lower the landing gear. I have already slowed up to 80 knots so just lowering the gear creates just the right amount of drag on the airplane I begin to descend at 500 feet per minute, just what the approach chart calls for. Now I wait. I descend, proceeding toward the runway seeing nothing out the windshield. The minimums here are 200 feet. Passing through 500 feet still saw no runway. 400, 300, 200! Then there it is! The runway lights break through the fog. In an instant I'm on the ground and rolling out. Wow! What a thrill. Everything went just like it was supposed to. It was a thrill.

    I spent they day doing my work in Fargo. At 5:00 pm am finished and reverse the procedure for the flight home. I climb out of Fargo, break out on top at 5,000 feet this time and see the sun sinking in the west. I feel like I'm the only person in the world, sitting here on top of the cloud, riding home. At Willmar, I'm cleared for the approach. I do the procedure turns, lined up with the runway and begin the descent. I break out of the cloud this time at 900 feet, and it's an easy visual landing. I hanger the airplane and driving home I can't wait to tell the family about my day.

     At dinner that night I attempt to tell the family about the unbelievable day I just had. I've practiced so long with an instructor. I flew flight simulators to help me to believe the instruments. I went and did it and I sat in the sunshine. Then came down into the darkness, and the runway was right there, right where it was supposed to be. They said, "Oh really? Please pass the potatoes". It just didn't translate by the telling,  yet it was the most unbelievable experience I had ever had to that point in an airplane.

     I don't know how that story translates for you. For me it is such a lesson in belief and faith and what I had to do to get it.
It's difficult to believe. It's easy to say "I believe" but to believe is quite another thing. The Lord knows how hard it is for us to believe. Num. 14:11 "How long will they not believe in me" (Ps 27:13) I believe I that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait upon the Lord, be strong, and let your heart take courage, wait for the Lord!

    It took me a long time to learn to trust the airplane and to believe in what the instruments were telling me. It also takes some time to get to know the Lord in a way we truly believe and trust in him, especially when it requires waiting. It takes practice. It takes going into the "simulator". For me going to his word every morning is like going into the simulator. If not to learn new things, it is to gain confidence in the repetition of what I already know. Just as a pilot is not safe if he does not practice and stay current in his training, so a Christian is not safe unless he is current in the word. It isn't just what have I done; it's, What have I done lately.

In Christ,
Bob

258 PP

PP - Open letter to Emma. Emma is my granddaughter of Lora and Chris in Dallas Texas.

Dear Emma,

     Thank you for your email about my birthday. You asked me what I got for my birthday and what I did for my birthday. I'm answering your email in an open letter to my Partners. I hope the reason becomes clear as I write.

     If I remember correctly, you are thirteen years old now. You are a very high energy young lady, smaller than most for your age, but full of big ideas. Also being thirteen you are right between childhood and adulthood, and your station in life, and the way God created you to love adventure, challenges, and how you live so expectantly caused you to ask me the question you did about my birthday. In asking that question you really helped me, a 75-year-old man to think more deeply about my special day.

     I think it might be the child still in you that caused you to think that this should be a special day for me. It's the old man in me that at first glance thought, that is a silly question for an old sick man who is locked up in prison. I think it is the adult in you that is going to allow you to understand my answer to you.

     Growing up like I did, on a farm with everyone engaged in the work of the farm, I am not used to making much of my birthday. This year I had even less expectation of it being a special day due to my circumstances. But for some reason your questions were in my mind throughout the day, and in pondering your questions I discovered some very important lesson for myself and I want to share it with you. 

     Without even thinking, I could tell you that one inmate gave me a "fireball" for my birthday. Do you know what a fireball is? It's a round ball of candy that is really hot, and I like them. This man knows I like them and he gives me one almost every day. Another man, when he found out it was my 75th birthday, gave me a Snickers candy bar. I recognized those right away as birthday presents. The other birthday presents took me a couple day to figure them out. Without your question, I would have taken them as "circumstantial". In wanting to answer you, I thought this through and now I can tell you what else I got.

     On my birthday the CO came into our room and said, "I got bad news for you guys, you are going to have to move. I don't need to give you an explanation, but I like you guys so I will. I've got a guy who needs to be locked in and yours is the only room with a tray door in the door where food can be passed through, so I'm going to have to move you and separate you." In prison it takes a while to get used to new roommates and you usually don't like changing rooms, and I didn't either.

     He moved me in a room with a Cuban man named Louis. Louis is a Christian man so I liked that. I had to move so quickly. They never give you any notice or any time, you have to do it quickly and that was a little stressful for me. I got settled in with Louis, thought he was a pretty good guy and had one night in there with Louis. There is one hospital bed in the room so Louis already had that so I took the other bunk, but kept my nice hospital bed mattress that I told you I had.

     The next morning I left the room and when I came back, Louis told me he was leaving. He has a Mexican friend who had an empty bunk so they wanted to be together. That left the hospital bed empty so I thought I'll just move into that bed now. The guy next door came and claimed he owned the bed, but would sell it to me for $20. That's the way it works in prison, you wonder how anybody can own anything, but it's all below the line thing that it happens. The guards and everyone knows it is happening and just go along with it. The guy wanted $20 from me for the bed. I explained I expected to leave in a few weeks but I would be willing to give him ten stamps for the use of it until I leave. He accepted so now I have not only a hospital mattress, but a nice hospital bed that goes up and down with the feet and the head separately. It is really nice. I also have the room all to myself so I had a man clean it all out, disinfect it, and really do a good house cleaning for ten stamps. He also polished and buffed the floor. So now, I have this really nice room, really nice bed all to myself, at least until a new guy comes in which can be any day or several weeks. It was because of your question that I had to rethink all that had happened and realize this was not just circumstance, it was a special birthday blessing and just thank the Lord for a wonderful birthday present.

     Then one last thing, that is really too personal to talk about, but I want you to know how God works. Got sent Satan to cause a troubling in our minds (Grandma and me) that gave us a very hard visit. I know that it was Satan because of the confusion and testing that took place. I know that it was God because he caused us to see how greatly dependent we are on him, and he caused me to see my responsibility to Grandma, and he taught me that although I am circumstancially weaker than I have ever been in my life, health wise, imprisoned, and unable to do anything about what is happening on the outside, in my marriage and my relationship and responsibility as a husband, I am stronger than I have ever been because of my prayers. I am in a position to protect Grandma from anything Satan would place before her, I am stronger than I realize. I spent the night praying, we spent time together. Satan lost, hands down, God won, and I can tell you, Emma, you know how much I love your Grandmother, but God, on my birthday used Satan to create an even greater love,  which I will remember as a nodel event (an event that I will remember as a life lesson) and my love for Grandma is at an all time high. I see that as a gift of God. I know he wants me to love her at a level I am not capable of, but he is teaching me and strengthening me so that I am growing into the man that he wants me to be, and I am so thankful for that. Emma, that is a story, it is a true story, and I ask that you and my partners don't ask Grandma for the details of that. It's too personal to share, yet the lesson is too important to miss and I wanted you to have it.

     So Emma, you are both child and adult. The child in you causes you to expect things that many older adults have given up on. The adult in you helps you to understand deeper things. Now I ask you for something. Would you email me back what you understand of what I just wrote. What if anything about this made sense to you.

     Emma, I hope you know that anything you say, I really will  think about. I respect you as a young woman. You have already had some pretty great accomplishments in speech and drama, and you have been an initiator in these things. I respect you for that. You have a heart that loves God more than anything else, and that is a special gift. Just know that I love you, I value you. You are very important to me.

Love you,
Papa

254 Sunday

Dear Prayer Partners,      Monday May 13-13

     "We were utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself, indeed we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves, but on God who raises the dead. He raised us from such deadly peril and he will deliver us. On him we have our hope that he will deliver us again. You must also help us by prayer, so that many may give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many" 2 Corinthians 2:8,9.

       I have been lying on my bunk for the last hour just thinking and praising the Lord for the experience he is and has given me with you, my family, friends, all my acquaintances and everyone in my life. I was thinking how my life is filled with such consistency right now, starting with my relationship with our Father, to my wife, to you all. There is no break in how I need to think, talk, or write because we all think the same. I remember days like Paul wrote about in 2 Cor. 23:8-9. I remember days of terror, pain, fear and deadly peril. I am amazed how today I have none of that. My whole life is nothing but blessing, like I have been raised from the dead. Today I live in the reality of that, I have no fear or dread of thinking I need to get a prayer partner letter off to my partners, because it is time. I relish this writing, because i feel so strongly the presence of God and I am so privileged to be just the empty vessel that he allows me to speak of him and even possibly for him on his behalf.

     I have prayed many days for my love for him and for Jan, that it would increase. I knew within myself, I fall so far short of his desire and expectation for me in my reality of him. It excited me to learn as we went through book two of First Principles, God's household order for the home, how my submission to Christ, and my love for Jan are a seamless thing. I am not to have one to the exclusion of the other and the Lord is as pleased with my love for her as he is for him, because I now know that I can love her for God's sake. God wants her loved by me to the maximum.

    I sat with Jan these last three days in this visiting center. It's not a desirable place, nor a place one would choose to go for a second or third honeymoon or a 52nd wedding anniversary (not  now, last August). The circumstances were not at all of anyone's choosing, but I am so pleasantly amazed at how thrilled I am to be with her and I believe she with me. We read scripture together, not only because I wanted to but I know how Jan loves to do that and how it feeds her soul when we do that. How it thrilled both our hearts to pray together, not out of obligation or duty, but because the God of the universe made it possible through our savior that we could have direct contact, and communication with him, together, sharing our hearts in a three-way relationship that we do not tire of. There is no feeling of duty in doing so, it's a feeling of desire and pleasure.

     After three days of doing just that and nothing more, I still got back to my room last night and couldn't wait to call her on the phone again, just to hear her voice. I had nothing more to say, but I wanted to hear her voice. I don't think I ever had this kind of love before, I think God is doing something in us and changing us to a place we never want to return from.

     As I lay on my bed this morning i thought of my children, and I know that if we were with them, we could do all the same things. We wouldn't change anything because they are here, they would enjoy it, too. And if you, my prayer partners were here, we would do the same thing. God has blessed me with more than hundreds, I believe thousands of friends, partners, whom we all share his love, passion and concern with. God's people, his abundance, his love and mercy are so great. I don't know that I would have ever known this so profoundly if the Lord had not met me here, brought me to this place, and caused me to focus so much on him.

     As I lay on my bunk, this song from my childhood came to my mind.
         "I need thee, oh I need thee,
         Every hour I need thee,
        Oh bless me now my Savior
        I come to thee".
Yes, I need him so much, and I need to share him so much. I need to talk about him, I need to speak the gospel, I need the gospel in me.

      "As the deer panteth for water, so my soul panteth after thee". I truly feel that.

    You have been praying for my sleeping. I am really sleeping now. I take my medication early, I thought too early, but I actually slept last night from 8:00 PM until 6:00 AM today. That is so amazing.

    My release made it past one more check point last week. i will talk to the Warden tomorrow to see how he's doing with it. He has been very approachable for me.

God has answered every prayer of yours and mine. I feel no pain. I do believe God is doing something in my body. I have no evidence of any cancer in me. I feel wonderful. I walk three miles, I did 35 pushups yesterday and I decided it is time to start building my muscles back. I am not going to live like I'm going to die. I'm going to live like I'm going to live. And every day the Lord gives me I will proclaim him every opportunity I get. I will ask him to guide me so that nobody gets tired of hearing it, that he will keep my testimony fresh  and interesting because he is fresh and interesting. A stale testimony is not what he deserves. If he has given me an interesting life, one which people want to hear about it is so that I can proclaim his glory. Could it be that my life has just begun? Could it be the Lord will allow me to see his church prevail, establish its people, where people will know and love the gospel, where evangelism will not be a secondary function of the church, but as normal a part of church life as having babies is to a marriage? Could it be that we can draw attention to the way of Christ and the Apostles in such a way that when people think of church, they will no longer think of brick and mortar, but think of a priest in every household, Every family uniting with other families in such a way that church will be interesting and exciting and it will no longer be true that the 80% of the young people want to leave because they do not see its relevance? Could it be that we could see such unity in the church that elders will no longer see themselves as committee members, but as teachers of the word, with wisdom that comes from being grounded and established in the word and living it in their own households in such a way that every family and every household a center of ministry and outreach to the world?

One of my favorite jobs on the farm as a boy was swathing grain. Dad let me run the swather when I was ten years old. It was fun when the oats was standing straight and tall. When the cutter bar came to cut the oat, the reel would push the oat plant over at just the right time so that the oat would fall on the swather canvas, all headed the same way with the heads first and the busts last. Then the canvas belt would run them all to the end where they were dropped off in a nice windrow. The grain would dry there for another ten days, and then the harvester (the combine) would come. The straw would go into the combine all heads first, all the same say so that the beaters in the combine would beat the oat grain out of the straw. There was a fan in there with little doors allowing one to regulate the amount of wind that came over the grain. Just the right amount of wind would blow the chaff away and leave the grain. Then the grain would fall through the sieves and into an auger that would auger the oat kernels into a bin to be hauled away and saved. The oat kernels were the prize of the plant. It was used for feed for cattle and people. The chaff would be blown away in the wind. It had no value.  The straw would go out the back for lesser service. It would be used for bedding for the cattle, and then two weeks later when we cleaned the barn it would be hauled out as manure. Maybe it seems strange that i should relate that here, but I think of how Jesus spoke of the Lord of the harvest. The Lord of the harvest comes to harvest his church. How great when the church is all in agreement the way Christ taught the Apostles to administer it. Sometimes in the fields, we would get a hard rain and the grain would get heavy. The grain would go down and would not stand until the reaper laved it down the same way. It was hard to harvest. It caused some of the kernels to get blown away with the chaff because it couldn't be beaten out of the straw properly. I loved harvest time. Dad let me run the machine but he kept a close eye on me from a distance. It was important that the settings on the combine and machinery were set right. We wouldn't want good kernels to be blown away like chaff. We wouldn't want chaff to go into the bin with the good kernels.

    Paul described his work as an apostle as being an "administrator of the Mystery". I often think of that, how he referred to the gospel as a mystery. It is easy to see how it remains a mystery to so many because they can read it, hear it, and not get it. The Holly Spirit must reveal the mystery so people get it. He reveals it where ever he chooses to reveal it. Jesus said to Nichodemus, T"he wind blows where it will". (He was referring to the Holy Spirit). Nobody can tell where it comes from or where it goes. We can't direct it, harness it or put it in a container. He is God and he does as he pleases. However, he has given us through the church the job of "administering the mystery" of the gospel. It is such an important work and a privilege to be trusted by our heavenly father to administer the gospel. Administering the gospel is far more than having a church where a good sermon is being preached. The church must be a place where people meet Jesus and then are brought under solid teaching in every household, how to live as Christ taught the disciples to live.

     The amazing result is that the end product is that we are called sons and daughters of God. Separated from our sins, as though they never existed, and then to be called righteous. And the reality of this becomes so great that all the things of this earth become very strangely dim, unimportant, and even undesirable to us. The things of the Lord become more and more desirable, so that he causes us to crave, hunger and thirst after the things of God. We should not expect that to happen unconsciously. We need to ask God for that. He is the one who can produce that in us and he will. He wants to. He is waiting to.

     "Giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. Submitting to one another in reverence to Christ." Eph. 5:20
Bob

Sunday

Dear Prayer partners,

      I am coming to the conclusion that I am not an author. I may be a letter writer, but when I try to write a book I feel like I just lose my inspiration. When i write letters, I feel more like I'm writing something that will be read by someone tomorrow and I may hear back from them tomorrow. I feel like I am communicating. When I write for a book I wonder, who will read this? I will never know them. I will never hear from them. How will I know if it is even read? I'm coming to the conclusion that I should just keep writing letters and feel the inspiration of every day life, that it makes a difference to somebody, and people will pray right now  for ministry that I have at hand.

     Since I came to Butner, I'm defining myself to myself more as a writer than a disciple as I was in Duluth. I'm starting to think it was a mistake. I have not looked for ministry, and I miss the ministry so much. For three years in Duluth, I asked God to show me his glory and I saw his glory in the faces of people who were searching and hungry for him. I felt I could hear God in their questions, desires, moments of anxiety, searching, floundering; conversations that I interpreted as invitations by God for me to join him in his work. He showed us many great and wonderful things, I sensed his pleasure in the walking and talking, teaching and listening. Once I have lived in the reality of God's pleasure to such an extent I crave it more, I can't live without it. The last while, I feel like I have been more involved in my treatment and I feel like I'm missing out on the action I had in Duluth.

    I just spent three days with Jan. I'm so pleased that we can spend three days together and the time never gets long. Most of the time is spent reflecting on God, what he is doing, reading his word, praying, marveling at who he is and his mighty character. I feel like it's a big part of keeping me as "a tree planted by the river of living waters, and that from this I can bring forth fruit in due season". That's what I need. I need to bear fruit. I believe the Lord has confronted me with two opportunities that he placed before my feet, one since I first came and one new one.

     First I'll tell you about the one that I noticed since I first came. You might remember his name. They call him "Rooster". That's what he calls himself. He looks like a rooster because he spikes his read hair up in front and he has a narrow red beard sticking down about five inches. He looks like a leghorn rooster. When I got here I met Rooster on the track. He said he was finished with his treatment, and was rid of his cancer and ready to go back to the prison he come from. He was quite relieved to be declared clean. Rooster is a drug dealer from California, a really nice guy, reasonable and one whom you would think would go straight when he gets out. I even told him about First Principles even though I knew I wouldn't have a class to put him in, but I liked the guy and would have done it one  on one.

     In his departure physical they found new cancer in his liver. He started with melanoma, but now it is all through his stomach and intestines. They had him in the hospital in town for a while. They released him back here to get a compassionate release to be sent home to die. They've given him three months to live. Rooster reads a magazine that covers the type of cancer that he has and found an ad or article on a new drug that has been effective with his type of cancer. He took it to the doctor. The doctor said they had not used it here before, but said they would do it. It costs $168,000 for three treatments and is very dangerous. He may die from the treatment. He told me yesterday they are going to put him on the 5th floor for the treatment (that's the hospice floor) and it will start on the 20th.

     I told Rooster about you all, how you pray for me, how I'm getting along, and that I would tell you about him. I said I would also like to get with him and talk about becoming a Christian. I said I wanted to show him in the Bible so he knows it's not just my opinion.  We were supposed to meet tonight but he said he has been sick all day and couldn't do it. Please pray for Rooster. First, that the Holy Spirit will open his heart, give him a desire for Jesus. Secondly, for the treatment, that it will heal him of his cancer and that he can also go home on a compassionate release. I would like for him to be at the center of our prayers for the next while.

     The second is Elijah. I mentioned him to you before. I notice now he always picks the chairs right next to us in visiting. He has a really nice wife. They are black. They are very hard working and have a very good potato chip business like FritoLay, and an ice cream business, and she is also an MET and a beautician. Elijah is the one who told me that when he gets out he wants to be a Christian, he and his whole family. Today I walked with him and got a little more of his story. Elijah and Mary have been together as friends since they were fourteen years old. Elijah's dad beat up his mother so much that his mother left when he was about 12. He took care of his brothers, but lived with his dad and his dad's girlfriend until he was fifteen. He got kicked out at age 15, lived in his car, but ate meals with Mary.

Since he was eighteen years old he worked on a chicken farm and had other jobs. When he was seventeen he was making enough money that he got an apartment.  Mary moved in with him and got pregnant. They built several successful businesses but he served five years before for selling drugs. Then a year ago he had a friend who claimed to have a bad need for a drug and he just told him where he could get some. It turned out his friend was an agent, and he got another 18 months and that's why he's here now.

     Elijah says that they are not Christians, but he said, "My wife Mary has the heart of a Christian. We both are always helping people". (I'm not used to hearing this from inmates. Usually they are telling me how good they are, they really don't need anything more.) He said, "When I was 24 years old and had enough money, I hired a detective to find my mother. She was in a nursing home. I took her in and my wife is taking care of her right now even as I am in prison". He said, "I  know doing good works doesn't make a person a Christian, so I know we aren't Christians, but we want to be. I said, "So, I'm here to show you how to be a Christian. Are you ready to start now?" He said, "Yes, that's what I want". Isn't this such a clear example of God doing the work, that he has fields white onto harvest? I told him today of my condition, that I don't have much time to live according to the doctors, even though I think they are wrong I said, "I don't think I will be here long so we need to really be on a fast track here so you can learn what you need to learn". He said he will be available every day. Elijah seems like a real deal. I don't think he has any hidden schemes. I don't think he will be a negotiator with God. It seems that God is just already doing his work, and now you and I get to join him. We have so much going with all your prayers being heard and answered. We should have great faith for Elijah and Rooster. May the Lord strengthen our faith even more as we (us as a team) minster to these to men or in Elijah's case, his whole family. He wants his whole family included.

    Well, this is going to be the beginning of more PP writing for me. I write it prayerfully that it won't just be musings, but that God's hand will be leading in this.

     I did have an encouraging word this week on a  movement of my file from the Case Manager to the Warden's desk. I intend to talk to the Warden on Tuesday. It would be so wonderful if I could be home for Lydia's graduation on the 27th. I hardly dare to breath it. How do I dare to ask for so much when men are dying all around me. Last month they had a memorial service for 18 men who died. This past week it was for 26 men. When we live in the middle of sickness and death it seems selfish to ask for so much as a release for a graduation event,  just a release and being able to drive with Jan cross-country the spring. God is good and  I'm glad he doesn't mete out blessings according to what we deserve.  He is so gracious. I know He has been more gracious all my life than I have noticed or given him credit for.

     Today Jan and I just  sat in the visiting room and I wept feeling so undone with the blessings of God, that I could sit there with a loving wife who loves the Lord as I do, and we can receive much joy and have such tremendous fellowship with the God of the universe. That he should even notice us is beyond our understanding. He does more than notice, he loves and craves the love and attention of his people. We are his creation. He delights in us.

In our Lord,
Bob

Job (continued)

PP Job continued

23:1 Then Job answered and said; Today also my complaint is bitter my hand is heavy on account of my groaning. Behold I go forward, but he is not there. And backward but I do not perceive him. On the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him; he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him. But he knows the way that I take when he has tried me, and I shall  come out as gold. My foot has held fast to his steps; I have kept his way and have not turned aside; I have not departed from the commandments of his lips I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my portion of food. But he is unchangeable and who can turn him back? What he desires, that he does. For he will complete what he appoints for me and many such things are in his mind. God has made my heart faint. The Almighty has terrified me; yet I am not silenced because of the darkness, nor because thick darkness covers my face.

27:2 As God lives who has taken away my right, and the Almighty who has made my soul bitter as long as my breath is in me and the spirit of God is in my nostrils, my lips will not speak falsehood, and my tongue will not utter deceit.

31:24 If I have made gold my trust or called fine gold my confidence, if I have rejoiced because my wealth was abundant or because my hand had found much, if I have looked  at the sun when it shone or the moon moving in splendor and my heart has been secretly enticed. And my mouth has kissed my hand, this also would be an iniquity to be punished by the judges for I would have been false to God above.

Job 38:1 Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said; Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge? Dress for action like a man; I will question you and you make it known to me. Have you commanded the morning since our days began and caused the dawn to know its place? Have you entered into the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have you entered the storehouses of the snow or have you seen the storehouses of the hail? Can you lift up your voice to the clouds that a flood of waters may cover you?

Job 40:3 Then Job answered Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you? He who argues with God, let him answer it.

42:1 Then Job answered the Lord and said: I know you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge? Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me which I did not know. Hear and I will speak; I will question you and you make it known to me. I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear. But now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.

 V 9 "And the Lord accepted Jobs prayer."

     Well, this is what i got from Job. Job was a righteous man declared so by God. He was not a perfect man, a sanctified man, yet God took great  pleasure in him. When I was indicted I was with a pastor friend of mine at a meeting in Iowa. He was from Pennsylvania. I took him aside and told him I had been indicted and would be going to trial for tax evasion. The first words from his mouth were, "Consider my man Job". I didn't know how to take that, I was a little puzzled by it but this is what came through to me. This man, this pastor friend of mine, did not condemn me. He still saw some good in me, and it was more than my emotions could take. Such reinforcing and encouragement at a time like this meant so much to me.

     A number of times in life, I have found myself in an activity and I sensed God's pleasure, much like the times i felt my dad's pleasure as a boy. I  knew what it was to have his pleasure and I knew his displeasure. I have felt God's pleasure many times in prison. I love sharing the gospel. I love introducing people to their heavenly father, and when I do it I sense God's pleasure. After doing it so many times I come to crave doing it, and missing it terribly when I am not doing it. Sensing God's pleasure is addictive. The more I have of it the more I want of it until finally there is nothing I would rather be doing than serving the Lord in the midst of any circumstances. Circumstances become so unimportant when God's work is being done. These are moments of grace.  Moments I want to carry with me and never lose them. Yet these moments are fragile. The Holy Spirit never leaves me, but still if I take his work for granted and move forward without calling on him, my hand is like an empty glove and my clothes as an empty suit. I want him, I desire him, I simply must never move forward without him going before me. It is he who makes all things wonderful, I am just a bit player in his wonderful plan, but so blessed, so fortunate to be chosen as one of his. With him I have everything, without him I have nothing.

     I think the story of Job is to show us that God is no respecter of persons. If he removes his hand we become nothing. When he does want to allow us to be tested, it is not because he is angry with us, or upset with us. Job's story had a happy ending. Mine will, too. I don't know what it will look like, but it will be good. I don't know how much of it will be in this life, but surely he is with me in all that I face. So even when the nights are long, and morning comes slowly, I know that my Redeemer lives and because he lives I will rise too.

God is so good,
Bob

Job

Dear Prayer Partners,

     As you know I have gone through quite a time of not being able to sleep. I don't know if its a part of chemo or not. Some guys say the chemo makes them sleep and they sleep day and night. I think it is keeping me awake and there were times when I went a whole week with only one or two hours of sleep a day. I would get visits and couldn't even visit, I just sat there like a zombie. I am doing better now. I had to learn the language of psychiatrists. I found out there is not medication for sleeping. I started calling it anxiety. I saw the psyche internist in the hallway who was always asking me if I'm alright. I always said, "Yes". Then I decided to email the psyche department and I did. I told them about anxiety. They said they would get back to me and never did. Then I was called to psyche , I thought I would get help. It was for a different reason, they wanted me to do a living will. I told her about my trying to get an appointment with a psychiatrist. She asked what it was about. I said anxiety. She said, "Well, it takes a long time to get an appointment here. There are lots of people". That's when I became a not very nice guy. I told her, this prison psychiatry is a joke. "The only thing you guys are worried about is if someone wants to kill himself. Is that what you want to hear?" She said, "What are you anxious about?" (I laid it on pretty good.) I said, "I'm terminal with cancer, I was told three months ago I have three to six months to live, I can't tell that anybody here is doing anything about getting me out of here. I haven't slept for a week and I'm worn out. How much more do you want to know?" She said,"You need to talk to the head psyche man, he stands in the food line".

    I met the man in the food line and basically told him the same story. I said, "I need help now". That afternoon he sent a psychologist over to see me. She can't prescribe medicine, but said the Doctor of Psychiatry would see me the next week. She actually saw me the next day so they did get on it real quick. They have me on some medication they seem to think is really dangerous. I can't say it's any stronger than Tylenol PM. It gives me about four hours of sleep and that is a big relief.

   Anyway, one of those nights as I was lying awake all night, I was reading my Bible and I turned to Job. I wondered, who should read Job? I never read the book in one sitting, maybe I should read it now. I can't sleep, I'm losing weight, I've got sores all over my body from chemo, I have strangers living in my house, this sounds kind of like Job. Maybe I should read this now.

    Now I want to warn you in advance this is not to emote sympathy from any of you. I want to pull some verses from Job that I felt I related with that night. Don't feel sorry for me, don't cry for me. That's not the way I felt. I was just trying to find the purpose that God had in putting that book in the Bible. Keeping that in mind, this is what I underscored to write about.

This is the best part of Job, right here for me. I love it to think that God does look down on us at times with the sons of God and the principalities of heaven and looks on us to be satisfied as he was with Job.

Job 1:9 Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord and Satan also came among them. The Lord said to Satan, "From  where have you come?" Satan answered the Lord and said, "From going to and fro on the earth from walking up and down it". And the Lord said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man who fears God and turns away from Evil?" Then Satan answered the Lord and said, "Does Job fear God for no reason? Have you not put a hedge around him and his house and have increased  in the land, but stretch forth your hand and touch all that he has and he will curse you to your face"?  And the lord said to Satan, "Behold, all that he has is in your hand. Only against him do not stretch out your hand." so Satan went from the presence of the Lord."

When I teach, I always point this conversation out to students, just to think there are conversations like this taking place in heaven is so amazing to me. I think they still go on. I don't think this was a one-time situation. The story goes on, Satan attacks Job's health and his family and it gets worse. Job's friends come to him and say things to him which are accusing of him. I don't relate and haven't underscored much of what Job's friends said because I have not found that to be true in my case. My friends have all been so supportive of me, so I skimmed a lot of that. However, I don't think Job's friends were out to be nasty or hurt him. I think they were just trying to figure out how things could turn against him so fast. It's hard to understand why this is happening. So my friends may have had thoughts of this too because even I can't figure out how things could happen so fast, to go from so much to nothing. Maybe my friends have had thoughts of trying to figure it out that haven't gotten to me.

     Of course, I'm not as innocent as Job, but I see Job might not have been righteous on his own either other than the righteousness that Christ gave him because he was concerned for how his children were living and he felt responsible for that. 1:13: "Now there was a day when his sons and daughters were eating and drinking wine in their oldest brother's house and there came a messenger to Job and said-----    Job was concerned about his children's "eating and drinking" because in 1:4 his sons used to go and hold a feast in the house of each one on his day, and they would send and invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them. And when the days of the feast had run their course, Job would send and consecrate them and he would rise early in the morning and offer burnt offerings according to the number of them all. For Job said, "It Just may be that my children have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts, "Thus Job did continually". Notice he said "It just may be".  This does free me to identify with Job.

    V4 Then Satan answered the Lord and said, "Skin for skin! All that a man has he will give for his life. But stretch out your hand and touch  his bone and his flesh, and he will curse you to your face.  And the Lord said to Satan, "Behold he is in your hand; only spare his life".

     7:1 Has not man a hard service on earth, and are not his days like the days of a hired hand? Like a slave who longs for the shadow, and like a hired hand who looks for his wages, so I am allotted months of emptiness, and nights of misery are apportioned to me. When I lie down I say, when shall I rise?  But the night is long and I am full of tossing till dawn. My flesh is clothed with worms and dirt, my skin hardens, then breaks out afresh, my days are swifter than a weavers shuttle and come to their end without hope".

     Remember that my life is a breath my eye will never again see good. The eye of him who sees me will behold me no more; and while your eyes are on me, I shall be gone.

     Verse 11: Therefore I will not restrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul. v13 When I say, "My bed will comfort me, my couch will be as my complaint, then you scare me with dreams and terrify me with visions so that I would choose strangling and death rather than my bones. I loath my life; I would not live forever. Leave me alone, for my days are a breath. What is man, that you make so much of him and that you set your heart on him. V20 If I sin, what do I do to you, you watcher of mankind: Why have you made me your mark? Why have I become  burden to you? Why do you not pardon my transgression and take away my iniquity?

     10:2 I will say to God. Do not condemn me; let me know why you contend against me. Have you eyes of flesh? Do you see as man sees? Are your days as the days of man, or your years as a man's years, that you seek out my iniquity and search for my sin? Your hands fashioned and made me. and now you have destroyed me altogether. Remember that you have made me like clay and will you return me to the dust? You clothes me with skin and flesh and knit me together with bones and sinews. You have granted me life and steadfast love. and your care has preserved my spirit. Yet these things you have hid in your heart. I know that it was your purpose. If I sin, you watch me and do not acquit me of my iniquity. If I am guilty, woe to me! If I am in the right, I cannot lift up my head for I am filled with disgrace and look on my affliction.

    12:4 I am a laughingstock to my friends; I, who called to God and he answered me, a just and blameless man am a laughingstock.

   V13 With God are wisdom and might; he has counsel and understanding. If he tears down, none can rebuild; if he shuts a man in, none can open. With him are strength and sound wisdom.

    13:20 Only grant me two things; then I will not hide myself from your face; withdraw your hand far from me, and let not dread of you terrify me. Then call and I will answer; or let me speak and you reply to me. How many are my iniquities and my sins? Make me know my transgressing and my sin.

    14:14 If a man dies shall he live again? All the days of my service I would wait till my renewal should come. You would call and I would answer you; You would long for the work of your hands. for then you would number my steps; you would not keep watch over my sin. My transgression would be sealed up in a bag and you would cover my iniquity.

     17:1 My spirit is broken; my days are extinct; the graveyard is ready for me. Surely there are mockers about me and my eye dwells on their provocation. He has made me a a byword of the people and I am one before whom men spit. My eyes have grown dim from vexation and all my members are like  shadow. The upright are appalled at this and the innocent stirs himself up against the godless.

    19:20 Oh that my words were written oh that they were inscribed in a book; Oh that with an iron pen and lead they were engraved in the rock forever! For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth. and after my skin has been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold and not another. My heart faints within me.

To be continued: