Sunday

Dear Prayer partners,

      I am coming to the conclusion that I am not an author. I may be a letter writer, but when I try to write a book I feel like I just lose my inspiration. When i write letters, I feel more like I'm writing something that will be read by someone tomorrow and I may hear back from them tomorrow. I feel like I am communicating. When I write for a book I wonder, who will read this? I will never know them. I will never hear from them. How will I know if it is even read? I'm coming to the conclusion that I should just keep writing letters and feel the inspiration of every day life, that it makes a difference to somebody, and people will pray right now  for ministry that I have at hand.

     Since I came to Butner, I'm defining myself to myself more as a writer than a disciple as I was in Duluth. I'm starting to think it was a mistake. I have not looked for ministry, and I miss the ministry so much. For three years in Duluth, I asked God to show me his glory and I saw his glory in the faces of people who were searching and hungry for him. I felt I could hear God in their questions, desires, moments of anxiety, searching, floundering; conversations that I interpreted as invitations by God for me to join him in his work. He showed us many great and wonderful things, I sensed his pleasure in the walking and talking, teaching and listening. Once I have lived in the reality of God's pleasure to such an extent I crave it more, I can't live without it. The last while, I feel like I have been more involved in my treatment and I feel like I'm missing out on the action I had in Duluth.

    I just spent three days with Jan. I'm so pleased that we can spend three days together and the time never gets long. Most of the time is spent reflecting on God, what he is doing, reading his word, praying, marveling at who he is and his mighty character. I feel like it's a big part of keeping me as "a tree planted by the river of living waters, and that from this I can bring forth fruit in due season". That's what I need. I need to bear fruit. I believe the Lord has confronted me with two opportunities that he placed before my feet, one since I first came and one new one.

     First I'll tell you about the one that I noticed since I first came. You might remember his name. They call him "Rooster". That's what he calls himself. He looks like a rooster because he spikes his read hair up in front and he has a narrow red beard sticking down about five inches. He looks like a leghorn rooster. When I got here I met Rooster on the track. He said he was finished with his treatment, and was rid of his cancer and ready to go back to the prison he come from. He was quite relieved to be declared clean. Rooster is a drug dealer from California, a really nice guy, reasonable and one whom you would think would go straight when he gets out. I even told him about First Principles even though I knew I wouldn't have a class to put him in, but I liked the guy and would have done it one  on one.

     In his departure physical they found new cancer in his liver. He started with melanoma, but now it is all through his stomach and intestines. They had him in the hospital in town for a while. They released him back here to get a compassionate release to be sent home to die. They've given him three months to live. Rooster reads a magazine that covers the type of cancer that he has and found an ad or article on a new drug that has been effective with his type of cancer. He took it to the doctor. The doctor said they had not used it here before, but said they would do it. It costs $168,000 for three treatments and is very dangerous. He may die from the treatment. He told me yesterday they are going to put him on the 5th floor for the treatment (that's the hospice floor) and it will start on the 20th.

     I told Rooster about you all, how you pray for me, how I'm getting along, and that I would tell you about him. I said I would also like to get with him and talk about becoming a Christian. I said I wanted to show him in the Bible so he knows it's not just my opinion.  We were supposed to meet tonight but he said he has been sick all day and couldn't do it. Please pray for Rooster. First, that the Holy Spirit will open his heart, give him a desire for Jesus. Secondly, for the treatment, that it will heal him of his cancer and that he can also go home on a compassionate release. I would like for him to be at the center of our prayers for the next while.

     The second is Elijah. I mentioned him to you before. I notice now he always picks the chairs right next to us in visiting. He has a really nice wife. They are black. They are very hard working and have a very good potato chip business like FritoLay, and an ice cream business, and she is also an MET and a beautician. Elijah is the one who told me that when he gets out he wants to be a Christian, he and his whole family. Today I walked with him and got a little more of his story. Elijah and Mary have been together as friends since they were fourteen years old. Elijah's dad beat up his mother so much that his mother left when he was about 12. He took care of his brothers, but lived with his dad and his dad's girlfriend until he was fifteen. He got kicked out at age 15, lived in his car, but ate meals with Mary.

Since he was eighteen years old he worked on a chicken farm and had other jobs. When he was seventeen he was making enough money that he got an apartment.  Mary moved in with him and got pregnant. They built several successful businesses but he served five years before for selling drugs. Then a year ago he had a friend who claimed to have a bad need for a drug and he just told him where he could get some. It turned out his friend was an agent, and he got another 18 months and that's why he's here now.

     Elijah says that they are not Christians, but he said, "My wife Mary has the heart of a Christian. We both are always helping people". (I'm not used to hearing this from inmates. Usually they are telling me how good they are, they really don't need anything more.) He said, "When I was 24 years old and had enough money, I hired a detective to find my mother. She was in a nursing home. I took her in and my wife is taking care of her right now even as I am in prison". He said, "I  know doing good works doesn't make a person a Christian, so I know we aren't Christians, but we want to be. I said, "So, I'm here to show you how to be a Christian. Are you ready to start now?" He said, "Yes, that's what I want". Isn't this such a clear example of God doing the work, that he has fields white onto harvest? I told him today of my condition, that I don't have much time to live according to the doctors, even though I think they are wrong I said, "I don't think I will be here long so we need to really be on a fast track here so you can learn what you need to learn". He said he will be available every day. Elijah seems like a real deal. I don't think he has any hidden schemes. I don't think he will be a negotiator with God. It seems that God is just already doing his work, and now you and I get to join him. We have so much going with all your prayers being heard and answered. We should have great faith for Elijah and Rooster. May the Lord strengthen our faith even more as we (us as a team) minster to these to men or in Elijah's case, his whole family. He wants his whole family included.

    Well, this is going to be the beginning of more PP writing for me. I write it prayerfully that it won't just be musings, but that God's hand will be leading in this.

     I did have an encouraging word this week on a  movement of my file from the Case Manager to the Warden's desk. I intend to talk to the Warden on Tuesday. It would be so wonderful if I could be home for Lydia's graduation on the 27th. I hardly dare to breath it. How do I dare to ask for so much when men are dying all around me. Last month they had a memorial service for 18 men who died. This past week it was for 26 men. When we live in the middle of sickness and death it seems selfish to ask for so much as a release for a graduation event,  just a release and being able to drive with Jan cross-country the spring. God is good and  I'm glad he doesn't mete out blessings according to what we deserve.  He is so gracious. I know He has been more gracious all my life than I have noticed or given him credit for.

     Today Jan and I just  sat in the visiting room and I wept feeling so undone with the blessings of God, that I could sit there with a loving wife who loves the Lord as I do, and we can receive much joy and have such tremendous fellowship with the God of the universe. That he should even notice us is beyond our understanding. He does more than notice, he loves and craves the love and attention of his people. We are his creation. He delights in us.

In our Lord,
Bob