Dear Prayer Partners,
It's Sunday and I must tell you about a very very difficult experience I had. I started writing the book. Much of this kind of writing is fairly easy because I'm just writing about personal experience. I always wondered how I would handle the IRS part. The experience of it all was so terrible, I didn't want to relive it, nor cause Jan to relive it. I wasn't sure it needed to be in the book. Then after talking with others without expressing my feelings about it, it just seemed pretty obvious that to write a book that includes going to prison and not talk about why you went to prison leaves a pretty gaping hole. It's like a big white elephant in the room. I like to be open and honest about things, yet I've never had anything that caused me so much pain.
Chuck Colson said: "AS long as we continue to try to defend our past or cling to our innocence, we are still being held hostage by prior events."
Then another place he said, "Not only did I spend a little time in prison , but I have been in and out of a lot of prisons ever since. I've only discovered two kinds of inmates--those who are still fighting their cases and are miserable--Those who have accepted their lot, understand God has a purpose for their life and therefore are at peace and free".
I really agree with him. After the trial my one attorney wanted to appeal, but he wanted another $50,000 to do it. The other attorney said, "It's foolish. If you don't win the first time, you won't win the second time. The Fed Government wins 98% if the time in court and the same on appeals. He said, "Going to trial makes them mad and appealing makes them even more mad. An appeal also allows them to appeal and increase the sentence".
That was the right advice. I watched guys in prison sit every day in the law library preparing their briefs for their appeal. I'm sure most of their work was junk, but I am also convinced that some had valid appeals. As long as they are working on that, they are defending themselves, it effects their thinking, their life, their attitudes and become a prisoner in a whole different way. I'm glad I didn't appeal. I moved on with my thoughts and have not looked back. I haven't thought about all those horrible things until this week.
In writing the book I needed to go through this. I started writing on Wednesday, continued on Thursday. Wednesday was about my early life. I enjoyed writing about that a lot. The business, family etc. On Thursday I was writing on the IRS problem and I started getting very ill. I just continued getting more ill. I didn't know what to think. My legs, knees, hips hurt so bad. The pain began to grow from my side, around the left and up my back. I got chills and sweats.
Jan and Tom came on Friday. By the time they came I could hardly walk to the visiting center. I tried to be strong for them, but I was so weak. I couldn't last until the visit was over. I had to excuse myself and go to the room. I walked the track, or tried to for a while because I thought I needed the fresh air. I hurt so bad I went to the room. During the visit when we saw how I was, we started talking about Lisa and Craig's plan to put a hospital bed in their bedroom right off the living room. It would be such a nice place for me. It became evident to the three of us that the end for me was probably very near. I really felt like I was dying. We doubted I would ever go home by car. It was grim.
After they left I thought through my feelings and emotions. I realized it started a little bit on Tuesday when I visited the doctor. The first doctor in Duluth gave me three to six months. The second doctor in Duluth gave me six to eight with possibly another six months with treatment. When I went to the doctor here I was really hoping for another upward movement in the life expectancy. He seemed not willing to give me any hope of life expectancy at all. He said three months, maybe six if treatment works. I didn't think I was affected much by that but as I thought about it on Friday I felt I was. I enjoy writing, but in the book where I got to the IRS invasion is where my real sickness started. Thinking back I tried to identify what it was. I never had a feeing of being mad at God in any way. I think I did feel disappointed that he wouldn't give me just a few more months. I'm disappointed in myself that I would become disappointed with something that I know is entirely in his hands and he has a plan. Talking about going home straight to a hospital bed made me feel bad. I have been visualizing Jan in our nice apartment and have been looking forward to just being able to go to sleep, holding Jan's hand, at least one night. Now it didn't look like even that would happen. As I thought through the night where I wrote the last part that made me sick, I became overwhelmed with the feeling of failure, stupidity and foolishness; for the pain I have brought on my family. Where usually I am excited about the grace I have received from God and everyone else, I felt so totally unworthy, I loathed myself.
I hadn't put this all together yet when I went to visiting. I only knew I was dying at a much faster rate than I was before. The night after the visit I was just thinking about this, and I asked God about it, but couldn't even put it together in a good valid thought. Earlier in the day I had tried to type and email to Tom but I could hardly make the keys work. I worked on talking to God about it but as I said that wasn't working well either. I just asked Jesus to intercede for me.
Finally at ten o'clock, I laid down for the night. As I lay there a very evident change came over me. I just noticed that my body just lay on my bed, and I was so aware of its contact with the mattress on all parts of my body. Then all my pain just went away. Even pain that I did not know I had, I don't know if it makes sense but when you get used to pain you ignore a lot of it, but all that which I had ignored went away too and I felt such great peace and relief. I began to pray, just talking to God, and my praying went in and out of praying, meditating, thinking. I felt myself loving and appreciating God again the way i was having a problem with before. It was sometime after 1:00 a.m. that I fell asleep but the three hours waiting for sleep were not bad hours, they were good with perfect comfort. All my pains were gone.
The next morning I got up and ate a good breakfast of tuna on bread. I went down and met Tom and Jan at visiting, and it was like they saw me in Duluth. I don't know at what point it was but I became aware somewhere in there that I had been through some serious spiritual warfare. I don't talk about that much in life, I don't like giving Satan much credence for anything. I've heard a lot of that and tend to want to avoid it. But throughout the process of writing about it the years of living through it, I think I understand more of what it is. I really think I know now that Satan still wants to have me. During those two days, I second guessed bold statements I've made about God, about the strength he has given me. It was thrown in my face that day. I was caused to wonder if I had been foolish. If I had spoken too soon.
Tom and Jan came at a critical time for me. I know that them being here was a big part of me pulling out of it. I believe I really was that sick. I believe I really was dying. I believe the Lord really has restored me. Satan wanted to have me but I know the Lord is gong to use it to remind me of my dependence on him. I still have half of that stuff left to write. I had to take a rest from it, but I need to start again tomorrow. Please pray for me, for protection during this time.
Today I was reminded that the guys in Duluth are also under attack. The classes have been stopped because of an incident Matt had. I think it will be six months before they can start again. That's not good, they will lose momentum. But is discouraging for the guys, too. Matt has lost visiting privileges with his family and phone privileges for either three or six months. I'm sure there is a lot of discouragement there.
I realize so much what a privilege it was to present the glory of the Lord almost every day in Duluth. I really miss that, more than I realized I would. I just need to be sharing. There are plenty of people here to share with, It's just that it takes time to get acquainted, find a place, know the territory, and I hope to leave soon. There are five right now willing to talk. Also the writing of the book right now needs to be a priority.
In Christ,
Bob
No comments:
Post a Comment