A story and a Parable

Dear Prayer Partners,

Its funny how I look forward to writing to you. It's my most enjoyable writing other than to my own family. I feel like rather than writing we are having a visit and you do help me so much with your responses by cards and emails. You're tremendously encouraging and sometimes flattering remarks make me blush, and often make me pray, that I am not taking this credit or glory to myself. We all know it goes to God and I need to make sure that everything within me does not retain it for me but does truly pass it on to God.


Friday's mail brought me a really encouraging card from a friend and in it some really good Bible passages that I have been feeding on today and tonight. I want to share one with you, but first a story of a happening here that is kind of an example of what I often experience with inmates and even staff after I've been in a place for a while. Where people get to know me, not by our conversations, but by their observations. Even in saying this, I must say they are not observing me but by the grace of God they are observing Christ, in spite of me.


There is an inmate here who is (was) high in the Mafia family. He has been locked up for seventeen years, is still only about 47, but definitely carries himself as a man with a lot of authority. He has organized himself with the inmates so that he really looks like he runs this place, but he does it in a very good way so nobody dislikes it or him. The first day here he came to me and asked if there is anything he can do for me or anything I need, he will get it for me. He does so much and gives so much to people without cost. When guys are sick he goes to the store for them, does legal work for them, makes copies for them on his own card. My glasses frame broke and he was going to give me a frame. He has plenty of money on his account because that's part of his deal. When he gets out in six years (if he lives) he will be set for life. He has been set for life since he married because he married the Big Boss' daughter. She is known amongst the family as "The Princess". You can also tell there is a side to him which is pretty ugly. He was sent to prison on a six year sentence but it was increased to 23 because they said he was running the operation from prison. He showed me the indictment papers and it said he has ordered "contracts" on people. He showed me his scrapbook. Yes, it's like chapters from Bonnie and Clyde.


I'll call him Jim. Jim is on the Internet a lot and I am on it a lot, and he teased me that I am writing a book, and I said I am writing a book and I could tell he didn't like it. My thought was that he was afraid I might be a snitch or something like that. This week he said, "Goris, you're writing a book, but I'm going to get on your A__ . I thought Oh Oh. I made a point to get with him. He said "You got to realize you can't be on the keyboards there all the time. There are a lot of guys here that need those computers and you being on there for hours is a problem-------------- and he went on and on.


In a little bit I just interrupted him, and said, "Jim, that's alright. It's not a problem. I'm at a good place to stop right now and I will. I don't want to be a problem for you or for anyone else". He was taken aback, like I wasn't serious and started again. I told him, "No really. It's done. You needn't say anymore". Then I said, "But I'd like to meet with you and tell you about my book".


An hour later he came over and said, "OK, lets talk". I told him my story like I always do. It was my life story, but shortened and modified to fit our situation. It came to the ministry stuff and he said, "Are you a minister"? He was smiling. I said "No", and he said, "Let me tell you something".


"I thought there was something different about you. You are soft spoken, don't seem to make an issue out of your own interests, you just don't seem to fit here". Then he told me how he grew up in Dallas, the only child of a family, went to a Baptist church as a child, attended Dallas Christian Academy, named his first daughter after the name of the church, and showed me a big tattoo on his arm with the name of the church and daughter on his arm. Then he told me the story of how he became involved with the Mafia, married the boss' daughter, grew deeper and deeper in crime on a global basis. That's a whole story in itself.


Anyway, after all that he said, "Hey, your time on the computer really isn't a problem. Nobody has said anything to me about you doing that, I just wanted to get on you". I said, "Well, it's not a problem for me to give it up. I don't want to offend anyone and I just don't need to do that". He said, "No, please, please don't change anything. Please keep doing it, I'll be offended if you don't."


I've been here a month now and I notice something happening here that began happening in Duluth, but it took longer in Duluth. People are starting to acknowledge me more, greeting me, inviting me to sit at their table (some inmates set glasses by all the empty seats around them saving the seats for their phantom friends because they are fussy who they sit with). A lot of those things are happening. Add to that the encouraging and complementary emails and cards I get, to the point I pray to God that I give him the glory and not me, that I don't sin in this.


This lead me to just one of the passages that this friend sent me today. It is this:
II Corinthians 2:14-17. "But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in the triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of him everywhere. For we are the aroma of Christ to God among these who are being saved and among those who are perishing, to some a fragrance from death to death, to the others a fragrance of life to life. Who is sufficient for these things? For we are not like so many, peddlers of God's word, but as men of sincerity, as commissioned by God, in the sight of God we speak in Christ."


I have come to believe that people are seeing something in me that has an attraction. It seems that as God has revealed more of himself to me, I gain more of an understanding of what it means to follow him. As he transforms me by the renewing of my mind, as I grow in humility and grace it is easier for me to admit my shortcomings and failures. I am growing in a way that reflects Christ more, and instead of seeing the self-centered man of the flesh that I am attempting to die to, Christ's spirit is transforming me, and Paul is calling that an aroma. Instead of the old aroma of "death to death", it is the aroma of Life to life. It's interesting that he says we are the aroma of Christ "to God". That is interesting. It seems he is saying this is a pleasing aroma to God. It also seems that Paul understands how I feel with this. He says, "Who is sufficient for these things?". I know I am not. I am not sufficient even for your encouragement or praise. Only God is in fact, it is only Jesus. I get to carry the aroma of Jesus because I am serving with him and something is rubbing off.


I used the word "I" in all of this, but it is true of you, too. The fact that you participate with me and encourage me, I sense the aroma of Christ in every email / card / letter, and every one who is praying for me. I pray this never becomes man-centered about me. I pray it will truly be interpreted that this is God-centered, that it is amazing what God can do with a fallen creature that he can pick up, wipe the dust off him, breath his breath into him, so that we can reflect his glory. That's what you do. That's what you are. That is what you carry -- the aroma of Christ.


And there are those who carry the aroma of death. There is a lot of that here, and you see it too in places; but that is not for us. God's people smell different. We are the aroma of Christ to God. First we are God's gift to Christ. Jesus said, "I came to receive all those whom the Father has given to me". Then we become the aroma of Christ to God.


Finally, Paul says, "We are not peddlers of God's word, but men of sincerity as commissioned by God, in the sight of God we speak in Christ." We are not peddlers, we do not "sell" the gospel. We are servers. We serve the gospel as a server in a fine restaurant.


"Good evening, My name is Bob. I will be your server this evening. For our main course tonight I highly recommend the Lamb. It was specially prepared by the Father, the master Chef. The lamb was conceived of the Holy Spirit, and born of a virgin. It was crucified, dead, buried and rose again. Tonight we offer the entree compliments of the chef. Of course the appetizer is prepared by the Holy Spirit. Unlike other appetizers that actually kill your appetite, this appetizer will make you hunger and thirst for the main course so that you will enjoy it for ever. Without this appetizer you will not see any need for the entry. You must begin with this appetizer. Then for dessert, I recommend the transformed life. It goes well with the entry and will bear witness to you, that everything I told you about the entry is true."


So you partake of the appetizer, receive the entree, and relish the desert. You want to show your gratitude to the master chef for his work. Now if the server took all he credit for the meal, wouldn't that be a shame, a disgrace? At the same time if the server was sloppy in the serving when he is delivering such an important meal, would that not also be a disgrace? For the privilege of working in such a fine restaurant, for such a fine chef, shouldn't the server be prepared in every possible way to make the most of such an opportunity to serve?. I believe so. I believe everyone of us servers should consider ourselves lifelong students of serving, so that when the master chef sees his important entree served, the entree he has given his life for, he is pleased.


Your Fellow Server,
Bob

4/21/13

Dear Prayer Partners,

It seems like a long time to me since I wrote to you. I guess it has been a week. I am now into writing the book and some of it is really fun, but now I am back for the second time attempting to write through the trial. It's a tough thing to relive, but I feel I have to do it. I want to be honest about the whole deal and that includes all the unpleasantness. It's just hard to relive. I'd rather be writing to you.

    Writing keeps me from engaging with inmates. Also, knowing I'm going to be leaving soon also makes it hard to set up a game plan for engaging. One thing that strikes me different from Duluth, is there are a lot more typical felons here, in the way we think of felons.

     One guy I've met is a really nice looking friendly guy who I always greet, smile or have comments as we pass. He is really nice and from Georgia. One day I asked him what he did on the outside expecting to hear a profession. Instead he said, "Oh, I smuggled lots of things. I started when I was a kid. It was so much fun I was doing things around the city. But I must say I've had a good life, I can't complain. I got a lot of time up front in those 747s. I've been all over the world. I just acted like a spoiled rich kid, which I was, my parents had so much money. That's why they never knew where I was because they were always traveling themselves. They had homes in six different countries. I could have lived in any one of them".  I said, "With all that money why did you do what you did?" He said, "It was the rush. Oh it was fun. The last gig I did I was smuggling hash hash out of Africa. I'd pack the stuff into the suitcases with false sides. I had really good looking women with a little child. I'd buy them a real nice dress outfit and a first class ticket for them and the little kid. I just told them to get on that plane and smile like you don't have a care in the world. The cops would see  her and say we don't need to check her, she's got plenty of money". "It was so exciting, I made $100,000 every three weeks. It was a rush". And his face lit up like he was talking about sky diving. Then he said, "I've got another 15 years here, but I can't complain, I've had a good ride".

     Another story. I thought the day of bank robbers was gone. I knew only one bank robber in Duluth, and he was a really stupid guy. There are a number of them here. They are really nice guys that surprise me when they tell me. The one guy today is in for six years for letting his son put a package in his shed. He claims he didn't know what was in it. But he said his son and his buddy are in longer and he is sure that when they get out they will do it again. He said they are professional bank robbers. They just study it full time. For them driving past a bank is like an alcoholic walking past a liquor store. It's interesting all the ways to get trapped in life. I've met a number of bank robbers here.

    Our daughter, Lisa from Minneapolis and her daughter Hillary from Tennessee were here this weekend. It was good seeing them but I felt very bad. I got a spell where I can't sleep again and last night only slept one hour. I was so numb I could hardly respond to them today. It always bothers me when people travel so far to see me and I'm like a vegetable.

    Other than that I feel good. I quit taking my pain pills a of couple days ago and it seems to be working. My only concern is I keep losing weight and am getting pretty thin. After a day like today I really want to be home. I just don't know how long it will take. From here, through, I don't think it takes committees. It's the BOP Legal Department, the Prosecutor in Minneapolis and the Judge. Please keep praying for that, ----and for my sleep. The nights do get pretty long.

     It does cause concern when I see a man here with the same pancreatic cancer I have, diagnosed the same month, December. His chemo offended his body so bad they had to stop treatment. They put him up on the fifth floor this week to die. There isn't anything they can do for him. He is trying to get compassionate release. His has been on the warden's desk for a month and he hasn't heard anything. I did find out  though that he has violence in his case and he still has 12 years left on his sentence. I do think that would make some difference.

  Please pray for me also as I write the book. Pray for the strength, I need, and the ability to be as honest and as fair as I can be. There are parts I would rather skip over, but I believe that would take away from the story. I hope when the book is done it will encourage people, how God is so completely sovereign and he uses everything - all things for his glory if we submit to him. I hope it's an encouragement to people who face difficult situations. I am amazed at what God can do, and the resource he has in his people and the church. I'd like prayer for the name of the book. I didn't think a name would be so hard to come up with but it is.

     Also please pray for the guys in Duluth. Please pray for Matt Tucker who is a young man with so much passion for God, and who I believe God is going to use in a big way in ministry. Matt is a Type A person, as I said with a passion for God, but still some ideas in lifestyle he is working away from. Pray that God will give him wisdom and a passion and understanding of holiness. Pray for Matt as he continues with the First Principles teaching now only one-to-one since the chaplain has shut them down for a season. Matt has to work though a big political system within the prison. This is so typical and is what makes prison work so hard. Small struggling Bible studies are not a threat, but when guys really come and the numbers increase political minds kick in. I would be hard for me to work with, but Matt is trying to do it.

     Thanks for you prayers. More than ever I need patience in God's timing. I just think it's really time to be home.

Love to all,
Bob

Prayer Request

Dear Prayer Partners,

I just had Amy and Jan here each day for four days. That's a lot of time but we used it so well. I'm always surprised how time flies when people come. We never really run out of things to talk about. The well of information God gives us in living his life is deep. We can dwell on him for a long time.

One thing that became so amazing to us as we talked is how God has responded to all your prayers to my situation. Of course, Amy is very sensitive for me. When she came here it was a different experience than visiting in Duluth. This is much more like a prison. The generous amount of razor wire in layers and double rows all around the facility is very different. The guards that ride around the compound in pickups with loaded shotguns is different than Duluth. Then as the visitors come in the rules they receive are much more restrictive and the visiting room is a lot less friendly. You are not allowed to walk around, talk to other inmates or their guests, children must stay sitting. If they want to play they can play in a room by themselves, but parents can't be in there with them. It's not a child friendly place. For Amy's tender heart it was hard for her to see me here. She cried both coming and going the first day.

For me visiting is very different also. I am patted down when I come in like at Duluth. When I leave, every time is a complete strip search, completely stripped, bend over and cough, then dress again. If I need to use the bathroom during visiting, to sit down, I must go with the guard, completely undress and use the stool while being watched. Then dress again and continue to visit. It would be nice if we had clothes with just a big Velcro strip down the back we could step in and out of. It's pretty amazing to me how soon these things become normal and I don't think much of it.

What became more evident as we talked is that I'm not even mindful of the hardness of this place. My bed is thin mattress on steel. I'm living on a floor with 200 very sick and dying men. I know this is not a place where children like to see their aging Dad. But the amazing thing is that for me, I don't really live here. I don't live in the reality of it. My reality is that I am the Lord's, he is caring for me and he is meeting all my needs. I don't see that there is anything I need that I don't have. I have a hard time sleeping and many nights I don't fall asleep until 5:00 AM. For my family that is terrible to think about. For me, I have found that it is not terrible to lie there all night. I lie there and am so mindful that my body has no pain. Even the hard bed does not give me pain. I can not tell I have cancer. I really praise the Lord hour by hour for his goodness, and I don't have to think hard about his goodness because it's all around me. I really do have true joy. This is not an exercise in the power of positive thinking. I think of that often. I loved positive thinking books, I read Norman Vincent Peal, Earl Nightingale, (brain cramp) the guy from Dallas Texas who just died. I love those ideas, but what I'm experiencing is way beyond what I or man can produce. It's the Holy Spirit dwelling in me, lifting me up. I am living in a different realm than my circumstances.

As Amy was talking about this we ended up praying and thanking God for it. As Amy was praying I thought of the book "The Heavenly Man". It's a true story of a man who was in prisons in China for many years just for being a Christian. He was tortured, tied and forced to sleep outside naked where his wife could come to the fence and see him, but couldn't get to him to bring him anything or comfort him. I certainly am not in any condition like him, but I think I have a shadow of it to see how God provides. God really does meet our needs. I think of all the apostles dying as martyrs. How did they do it? All the same way.

I have thought of this many times. I want to do prison well, to do it for the glory of God. Not to show what a great guy I am , but to show what a great God we serve and there is nothing that he can not do. We often only think in terms of circumstances. God is way beyond circumstances. He does not need circumstance to change in order to bring comfort to his people. The truth of that is way beyond our understanding. His grace for that is much more for the person (me) than for those who watch (family and friends). So, as you so faithfully pray for me, be sure to pray for my family as well. I know it is very hard for them. My desire is that all Christians, all who read my email's and pray, may be not only encouraged but strengthened in their faith so that as governments grow, laws increase, powers shift, the world changes, and we all have  children and grandchildren and are concerned about the world they will live in, we can prepare them by strengthening their faith and trust in God that he will use all things for his glory. He will always give his saints all they will ever need to endure which means not only to survive but to have joy and peace. That's what we have here. We have joy and peace.

I see how you pray so faithfully and God is answering every prayer. The chemo hasn't been bad, I am not sick. I have rash, little pimples in my mouth and tongue, everything tastes bitter and I itch, but that's nothing. The pills are working. I have rash all over my body like chicken pox. The doctor said if that happens, that's good news and we want that to happen. Well, it's happening, praise God. I also feel so good. Even the pain that I had that got me to the doctor originally so they found the cancer and now that pain is completely gone. I don't know if the pain had anything to do with the cancer at all. It seems that God just put it there to get me to the doctor. Isn't that amazing?  Also, we have been approved for full medical coverage at the VA hospital. So when I get home that will all be taken care of at the VA.

So, considering the success we are having with prayers, this is our request. Pray for my early release. I am told it is still here in the Medical Center. It needed to  go to the committee and then to the warden for approval. He said he can't tell me when it leave the committee, but he can tell me when the warden approves or disapproves it. It then goes to Washington to the legal department. From there to the prosecutor inMinneapolis and then the judge. All they have to do is look at it and approve or disapprove it. I am told the BOP never goes against the judge.

The prosecutor sure didn't like me. He lied about me being a flight risk three time because of my airplane going in and out of Canada. After I proved I didn't own it, he still repeated it to two different judges afterward. He was persistent in locking me up. Pray that he will have a change of heart. The judge is Justice Ann Montgomery. She has all the power in her hands. She can over rule the prosecutor and has on several occasions. Not that she's easy. She had some pretty harsh things to say about me at sentencing. There is reason to be in much prayer at this time. It's not a finished deal. Please pray.

In Christ,
Bob

PP Email

Dear Prayer Partners,

I had a visit from Doug today. Some of you know him, he is the motor sports dealer in Willmar. He and is wife are on their way back from Florida and swung by here. It was good to visit. Amy and Jan are here, as well. We had such great conversation.  We talked about the sovereignty of God and what a great comfort it is to know that about our God and trust in his involvement and leading in our lives. Then we had many thoughts of examples that sometimes cause us to think there is a conflict in believing that about God, or if believing that, does it cause us to feel it's not necessary for us to pray.

     Amy told me of a little ten year old girl at IHOP ministry in Kansas City who was praying to God so fervently at a meeting she was at. Amy said to her, would you pray for my Dad? He has cancer and I have a hard time believing for his healing. She told me how this little girl so earnestly asked for my name, wrote it down, took her hand and prayed for me with tears. I wanted to use that as an example that sometimes causes people to see a conflict between that kind of praying and the sovereignty of God. I feel there is no conflict at all. God wants us to pray like that. It just might be that part of my cancer is to teach us to pray. If I am not healed it is no sign that we shouldn't have prayed that. All our prayers are asking for our own will. That's what God wants, he said you don't have because you do not ask. Not the less we want to be in the center of God's will. We want God to have his way with this, to use my cancer to his glory in every possible way. I pray for more days of life to use some of the things I think he is teaching me for his glory.. I believe God's heart and will is changed by the prayers of his people.

     I so definitely know that your prayers are answered in me. I have learned that even the nights when I have no sleep I can lie in bed with no pain, no sleep and have perfect peace. I have perfect peace at night. I went for three nights in a row with almost no sleep. But God answered your prayers by giving me what I needed and that was joy and peace with a lot of time to think about it. Yesterday I slept a total of eleven hours. I feel just great right now, but the Lord gives me sleep sometimes, and joy and peace at other times, and he never fails to meet my needs. Right now I am one of the most prayed for guys on the planet and I know it. I am so blessed. I can't tell that I have any cancer. I don't even think this is a terrible place to be. God is here, he is with me. I have all I need. I have wonderful friends and family. I feel a little guilty to have it so much better than anyone here. I have the Lord, family, friend, email, mail, prayers of people  --- much more than I deserve.

    I'm so looking forward to driving home with Jan. I always said, "I can't wait just to get into a car and drive and drive". I had no idea I could do it so soon and so far. We will can take three days driving home. I want to just poke along, enjoying the countryside and the beauty of creation. It will be spring and a great time to do it.

     You're getting fewer PP email's right now because I am writing my book. That is my priority right now. I miss writing to you, and I'm thankful that you are writing to me even though you're not getting much from me. I'm looking forward with great anticipation when we can all meet in Willmar to be united in person, many of you whom I have not met. I hope you will come. I hope that if you do, the Lord will give us a time together where he will show us his glory, that we can delight in his presence, that it will be entirely and completely and only for the glory of God. May the brightness of his beauty shine forth so clearly in front of a dark world that we live in. Thank God that though our circumstances we live in can be dark and bleak, God does not depend on circumstances to meet our needs, to show us his glory.

    I pray that you are all blessed today, that as you pray for me we are truly united in prayer with each other that the Lord is pleased and delighted in the praise of his people.

In Christ's love,
Bob

Jan

Dear Prayer Partners,

 This email is from me (Jan) this time rather than Bob. I am sure he
will be sending one soon as well but have been prompted to email
myself so you hear from me. As many of you know, Bob is now in Butner,
NC.  Tom and I drove to Butner this past Thur-Fri, arriving at 2:00 pm
in time to visit Bob for the Fri, afternoon visit.  The journey went
well covering quite a few states. I was eager for the visit and it
seemed much longer than 2 1/2 weeks since our last in Duluth.  This is
a much more secure center.  Bob had warned me about the security so I
was expecting some of what we encountered!!!! Steel doors closing and
locking behind us as we walked from one corridor to another and Bob
waiting for us in the visitor center rather than us waiting for him.
NO talking allowed between inmates families (we were a community in
Duluth) a much more somber place with very few children.That is all
"minor", I guess.  Bob was not having a very good day and I am sure he
will email about this.  We stayed for three hours and left.  Sat we
visited 9-2:30 and he was doing very well.  Very talkative and no
pain. It is interesting that with all the visits, phone calls and
emails, we never seem to run out of things to talk about!!!!!  *In the
past we have spent time reciting many of the Psalms and I pray we can
continue to do that. Our strength is in the Lord alone and we see His
provision for us every day. All Glory to Him.
     I am now in Charlotte with the friends that I will be staying
with.  They are very good friends of Craig and Lisa and moved here
four days ago!!!!! Imagine me now moving in with them, they have a
four year old boy and two year old girl.  I have the third level of
their home with a bedroom, bathroom and sitting room, plenty of room.
 My intention is to be here 3-4 days a week and the rest of the time
in Butner , which is about a 2 1/2 hour drive so the same as Duluth.
Amy is coming this week for five days.  her in-laws are from here so
she will stay with them a day or so, then drive to Butner with me for
three days visiting Bob.  He really looks forward to visits, emails,
and feels he is staying pretty connected to family and friends.  Your
prayers and words of encouragement are such a blessing to us, they
cannot be measured. I pray the Lord will bless you as you have blessed
us. I often pray for you as your needs and requests are made known to
me often through Bob or the church Focus . We are thankful for you all
and realize there are many we do not even know!!!!!  We know we are
kept  " as the apple of His eye and are hidden under the shadow of His
wings." I pray that we will be so filled with the Living Water that
others will be drawn to the Well!!!!!!!  

 In His Grip,

Jan

"A very dark time"

Dear Prayer Partners,

    It's Sunday and I must tell you about a very very difficult experience I had. I started writing the book. Much of this kind of writing is fairly easy because I'm just writing about personal experience. I always wondered how I would handle the IRS part. The experience of it all was so terrible, I didn't want to relive it, nor cause Jan to relive it. I wasn't sure it needed to be in the book. Then after talking with others without expressing my feelings about it, it just seemed pretty obvious that to write a book that includes going to prison and not talk about why you went to prison leaves a pretty gaping hole. It's like a big white elephant in the room. I like to be open and  honest about things, yet I've never had anything that caused me so much pain.

    Chuck Colson said: "AS long as we continue to try to defend our past or cling to our innocence, we are still being held hostage by prior events."
  Then another place he said, "Not only did I spend a little time in prison , but I have been in and out of a lot of prisons ever since. I've only discovered two kinds of inmates--those who are still fighting their cases and are miserable--Those who have accepted their lot, understand God has a purpose for their life and therefore are at peace and free".

I really agree with him. After the trial my one attorney wanted to appeal, but he wanted another $50,000 to do it. The other attorney said, "It's foolish. If you don't win the first time, you won't win the second time. The Fed Government wins 98% if the time in court and the same on appeals. He said, "Going to trial makes them mad and appealing makes them even more mad. An appeal also allows them to appeal and increase the sentence".

    That was the right advice. I watched guys in prison sit every day in the law library preparing their briefs for their appeal. I'm sure most of their work was junk, but I am also convinced that some had valid appeals. As long as they are working on that, they are defending themselves, it effects their thinking, their life, their attitudes and become a prisoner in a whole different way. I'm glad I didn't appeal. I moved on with my thoughts and have not looked back. I haven't thought about all those horrible things until this week.

   In writing the book I needed to go through this. I started writing on Wednesday, continued on Thursday. Wednesday was about my early life. I enjoyed writing about that a lot. The business, family etc. On Thursday I was writing on the IRS problem and I started getting very ill. I just continued getting more ill. I didn't know what to think. My legs, knees, hips hurt so bad. The pain began to grow from my side, around the left and up my back. I got chills and sweats.

   Jan and Tom came on Friday. By the time they came I could hardly walk to the visiting center. I tried to be strong for them, but I was so weak. I couldn't last until the visit was over. I had to excuse myself and go to the room. I walked the track, or tried to for a while because I thought I needed the fresh air. I hurt so bad I went to the room. During the visit when we saw how I was, we started talking about Lisa and Craig's plan to put a hospital bed in their bedroom right off the living room. It would be such a nice place for me. It became evident to the three of us that the end for me was probably very near. I really felt like I was dying. We doubted I would ever go home by car. It was grim.

   After they left I thought through my feelings and emotions. I realized it started a little bit on Tuesday when I visited the doctor. The first doctor in Duluth gave me three to six months. The second doctor in Duluth gave me six to eight with possibly another six months with treatment. When I went to the doctor here I was really hoping for another upward movement in the life expectancy. He seemed not willing to give me any hope of life expectancy at all. He said three months, maybe six if treatment works. I didn't think I was affected much by that but as I thought about it on Friday I felt I was. I enjoy writing, but in the book where I got to the IRS invasion is where my real sickness started. Thinking back I tried to identify what it was. I never had a feeing of being mad at God in any way. I think I did feel disappointed that he wouldn't give me just a few more months. I'm disappointed in myself that I would become disappointed with something that I know is entirely in his hands and he has a plan. Talking about going home straight to a hospital bed made me feel bad. I have been visualizing Jan in our nice apartment and have been looking forward to just being able to go to sleep, holding Jan's hand, at least one night. Now it didn't look like even that would happen. As I thought through the night where I wrote the last part that made me sick, I became overwhelmed with the feeling of failure, stupidity and foolishness; for the pain I have brought on my family. Where usually I am excited about the grace I have received from God and everyone else, I felt so totally unworthy, I loathed myself.

    I hadn't put this all together yet when I went to visiting. I only knew I was dying at a much faster rate than I was before. The night after the visit I was just thinking about this, and I asked God about it, but couldn't even put it together in a good valid thought. Earlier in the day I had tried to type and email to Tom but I could hardly make the keys work. I worked on talking to God about it but as I said that wasn't working well either. I just asked Jesus to intercede for me.

    Finally at ten o'clock, I laid down for the night. As I lay there a very evident change came over me. I just noticed that my body just lay on my bed, and I was so aware of its contact with the mattress on all parts of my body. Then all my pain just went away. Even pain that I did not know I had, I don't know if it makes sense but when you get used to pain you ignore a lot of it, but all that which I had ignored went away too and I felt such great peace and relief. I began to pray, just talking to God, and my praying went in and out of praying, meditating, thinking. I felt myself loving and appreciating God again the way i was having a problem with before. It was sometime after 1:00 a.m. that I fell asleep but the three hours waiting for sleep were not bad hours, they were good with perfect comfort. All my pains were gone.

    The next morning I got up and ate a good breakfast of tuna on bread. I went down and met Tom and Jan at visiting, and it was like they saw me in Duluth. I don't know at what point it was but I became aware somewhere in there that I had been through some serious spiritual warfare. I don't talk about that much in life, I don't like giving Satan much credence for  anything. I've heard a lot of that and tend to want to avoid it. But throughout the process of writing about it the years of living through it, I think I understand more of what it is. I really think I know now that Satan still wants to have me. During those two days, I second guessed bold statements I've made about God, about the strength he has given me. It was thrown in my face that day. I was caused to wonder if I had been foolish. If I had spoken too soon.

    Tom and Jan came at a critical time for me. I know that them being here was a big part of me pulling out of it. I believe I really was that sick. I believe I really was dying. I believe the Lord really has restored me. Satan wanted to have me but I know the Lord is gong to use it to remind me of my dependence on him. I still have half of that stuff left to write. I had to take a rest from it, but I need to start again tomorrow. Please pray for me, for protection during this time.

    Today I was reminded that the guys in Duluth are also under attack. The classes have been stopped because of an incident Matt had. I think it will be six months before they can start again. That's not good, they will lose momentum. But is discouraging for the guys, too. Matt has lost visiting privileges with his family and phone privileges for either three or six months. I'm sure there is a lot of discouragement there.

    I realize so much what a privilege it was to present the glory of the Lord almost every day in Duluth. I really miss that, more than I realized I would. I just need to be sharing. There are plenty of people here to share with, It's just that it takes time to get acquainted, find a place, know the territory, and I hope to leave soon. There are five right now willing to talk. Also the writing of the book right now needs to be a priority.

In Christ,
Bob

Why I like my church

Dear Prayer Partners,

I just had a conversation out on the track with an inmate. When he told me his story, I realized why I like my church.

His name is Jonathon Shorter. Evidently it is a big name in Kentucky and that part of the country. There is aShorter College, a town named Shorter and streets named Shorter.

John Shorter pulled up along side me on the track and this is how the conversation started. I had never met John, I saw him in a Bible study one night but never met him. John just blurted out to me, "You know that a little Mexican dog can kill a Doberman?" I said, "No". He said when the Doberman swallows them they get stuck in their throat". I don't know if that was a planned opener or not, but that's John.

John's story was that he was working for Ford Motor Company as a robotics engineer. He was gone almost all the time and his family was under stress so he quit and went to UPS as a hazards material inspector. He has a wife and three children with the oldest being sixteen and the youngest eight. He said he did a really stupid and foolish thing. In opening material he found stamp machines that validate passports. He stole one and sold it for $5,000. Over a period of time he stole five more. The State turned it over to the Federal. They caught him with a hidden camera on the inside of a truck and saw him opening boxes. He was in jail 18 months before trial. He plead guilty and got a fifteen-year sentence.

    John said he has not seen his wife or children since he went to jail. His pastor went past the jail every day as he went to and from church, but in the year and a half there, he only saw his pastor three times. His wife is very angry at him and has left him. He hasn't seen his children again since that day. His pastor said he would appear for him and be a character witness. He didn't show. He said, "I went to that church for nine years. I tithed there. I always had my kids at all the church events. I sent the pastor a letter and apologized for what I had done. I asked him for help to try to get my family together or to help me to see my kids. I haven't even got a picture of my kids. My whole family has rejected me except two uncles." He said, "I have nobody".

    John does not have cancer. He is here as an orderly up on the fifth floor where men go to die. He said the nurses barely do their job. They are only interested in doing their job with the least amount of work. He said the inmates there don't get visits, hardly any of them. He said, "I tell them I'm going to try to be to you what I wished I had for me. This is the way I'm going to try to find peace".

    I tell you this because John's is not an isolated story. I have heard this from guys about their church way too much, particularly with churches that tend to have a legalistic view toward life. I think, how different my experience is. I have received so much grace, love and acceptance from my church. I get email's of encouragement.

Let me tell you why visits and email's are so important. For me I have more people who want to visit than I have room on my visitors list, but I can receive unlimited email's and I do. The reason they are so important to a prisoner is that in prison and through the justice system you are scorned. You reach the point that you expect people to respond negatively toward you. It means that if you don't hear from people you assume they think badly about you. Prison really has a stigma. Not only for the inmate but for the families. I know so many spouses that have lost their jobs, even volunteer Sunday School jobs because their husband is in prison. It is very hard on families even when they are accepted well. I'm sure this is why the Lord made such a point about, "When I was in prison, you visited me". By the time men get out of prison they are filled with fear of meeting the world again. They are broke, in most cases their families are gone, they have a history where they can only get a minimal job if any. Their lives are really ruined.

     It makes me appreciate so much how my family has responded to me, how you people are responding to my family, and the acceptance I feel from your email's. To me a few lines on an email is like a visit. It tells me you don't think of me in the way most people think of a prisoner.

    When I walk into a new place, like the first place I walked into Duluth, I felt I was walking in on a bunch of bad, undesirable people. After three years I realize that they are not as bad as I thought, and I really am no better than they. I look the same, eat the same, have the same rules they do. I'm inmate number 14451-041.

    My first days at Butner it was the same shocking feeling. Everyone looked terrible to me. different from the guys in Duluth but older, sicker, kind of like the walking dead. I've adjusted. I feel very much like one of them.

    Jan and Tom just drove two days to be with me. Jan will move in and stay. that is very unusual. I came to the unit tonight and I had 12 email's. My cell mate gets mad at me because I get so much mail. I average two letters a day. I feel so blessed. It makes my life completely different.

    I don't get visits from my pastors. I haven't come to expect that. It isn't really my view that that needs to be the pastor's job. Email's would be nice but it doesn't seem to fall into the envelope of what pastors do. I'm not bothered by that, not that I agree with it, but I'm not bothered by that. My view is that a pastor should not be what makes a church. Unfortunately most churches live from pastor to pastor hoping the next one is the one whose going to really make it happen. I find it's the people that make it happen. In my church i think there is really deep level of love and acceptance. To me that is the church.

    The most important ministers in my life, to shape my life, are not men that I pick as friends. I really like John Piper and  O.K. Sprout. I admire their work and they have really shaped me. I have been to multi-day conferences under both of them. I have never introduced myself or shaken the hand of either man. I thought about it, waited for a while to do it, but they were always busy. I wasn't sure they would be particularly happy to meet me anyway. I was not offended by them, just didn't pick them because of their personalities.

   I felt about Jeff Reed the same way. I have been so shaped by Jeff's work. I love his work and would use the tools I have from his work for the rest of my life. I spoke in Jeff's own church and said the same thing in front of the congregation. Everyone laughed because they know Jeff is not a warm fussy person. They don't come there for warm and fussy, but they are coming to become established in their faith, families, and the church. All pastors are human, they all have flaws. We can't expect perfection. I just wish that churches would teach that this is the way it is so that when people get into these places like prison they didn't expect that. It's expecting it and not getting it that hurts the guys so badly.

    John's eyes were welled up with water as we talked. Fifteen years is a long time for him to sit with these thoughts. So sad. So just accept my heartfelt thanks and appreciation for all of you who have written and supported me. I know you can't imagine what it means. I hope you never need to find out.

Thankfully,
Bob

After 2 weeks and two days

Dear Prayer Partners,

I've been here two weeks and two days now. I have started two of my three treatments. The pill I take have still not all come from pharmacy. I hope it comes today. That's the one the doctor has the most hope for. If it works I will break out in rash, or pimples, or something. He said that will be a good sign if I do, that's what we want. If I don't break out, on the 29th of this month we will discontinue it. I hope to be coming home early in May.

Jan and Tom are coming today. Tom is driving her up in her car and then he will fly home on Monday. It's going to be so good to see them. I miss Jan so much. At least when she is home she email's me a lot. On the road of course she can't do that. It's interesting how I don't realize the value of something until its gone. I guess that's our nature.

Please pray for Kathy Keller as she is helping organize the book. Also pray for me. Writing about the good parts really energizes me, but getting into the sad parts is very hard. Yet, I think they need to be in there. Without those parts of the story, it might seem fabricated. I really strive for honesty in my writing. Sometimes I'd rather not be honest. Honesty is painful some times. Pray for wisdom and understanding for us as we work on this book project. Pray that God will direct us, guide us to do this for his praise and glory.

I am really busy now with the writing. I realize the significance of the precious time I have left and I can't do some of the things I want to do. I have four men now who are gladly waiting to hear the gospel. I just don't have time to get to them. I am finding that if I just learn how to think and relate with people, they do want to know the gospel. There isn't the resistance to it that I thought was there most of my life. I don't think people have changed, I think I've changed. My time in Duluth was so good for that. I learned so much by it. I would love to practice it and teach what I've learned. Now writing the book, it all comes together and makes so much sense. I just wonder what kind of a world our grandchildren will live in. I think there is going to become a lot of fertile soil for planting the seeds of faith. God is so good and he really is still calling his people to himself. He is making himself known. We need to be ready to know how to read the signs.

I've heard that there are some struggles in Duluth with the classes. It seems there might be a type of power struggle going on, not with the guys so much, but this is always what happens in prison when people move on. The mindset is not who is the most capable, it's who has been here the longest and it creates turf wars. It's disappointing, but true. Pray for the guys there. I think the classes have stopped for the moment.

The family members are all planning their visits here. I will be well visited. Doug Shiplett is also coming on the 21st. He has a meeting here and is including me in his schedule. I have such great friends and I appreciate every one. I appreciate all my prayer partners, too. The encouragement I've gotten from you is incredible. Also my extended family seems more drawn together as well. I am receiving so much support from my sisters. My sister Gloria has been cleaning up my PP email's since I started. Now she is typing all my book writing in. I just write it long hand now on paper and mail it to her. She is an author herself and is a great advisor for me. Kathy Keller, inAmes is taking all the material and throwing out the junk, keeping the rest, and blending it all together. Kathy has written me a lot, passed on a lot of good articles to me while I'm in prison, she really knows how I think and what I enjoy.

There are women also (I don't know if I should mention names) that have and are such a great help to Jan. It's amazing to me. To me it is signs and wonders. I think the miraculous thought of the goodness in people's hearts who just seem to show up at the right time is so amazing. I can't say enough about some very special women who just seem to know what Jan needs. I wonder sometimes, how they even know. They are like angels that just show up. To me, I see it simply as God's glory and goodness shining through the lives of his people. I'm learning so much about mercy and grace, being on the receiving end of it. I know I would never be the same if I could live through this. If I don't, I guess I won't be the same either. I guess it's good either way.

Thank you Lord for all the good people in my life,
Bob

Pepe

Dear Jan,
My name is Jose (Pepe) Sanchez.  Your husband Bob and I share the same
room and the reason I am writing you is because Bob asked me to tell
my story to your grandchildren and tell them about his days here in
prison.
A few months ago Bob was moved into my room and I liked his pleasant
personality.  As time went by we got to now each other day by day and
at the same time I could see people from other dorms coming to visit
him and talk to him for long hours.  One day he asked me about my case
and I told him I got involved in a drug conspiracy the year before and
that I had also lost my beloved son.  Suddenly, on that year and I was
still dealing with my loss.  I thought I could never recover from
that.  I told him I've had after death experiences because I had been
resuscitated 4 times and I wished I was dead instead of my son.  I
told him about the most beautiful event that ever happened to me when
I was being brought back to life on one occasion.  I got to see and
talk to God himself.  It was the most beautiful experience any human
being can have.  I can remember him hugging me and telling me I was
one of his favorite sons and He asked me to tell everyone about Him
and to tell people not to drift away from Him and I kept saying I was
not good for that.  I recall everything so vividly.  I was gone for a
few minutes but it to me was like I spent a long time with the Lord.
Some people may think I am crazy but I am not afraid to tell my
experience nor ashamed of it.  One day Bob asked me if I had ever read
the Bible.  I said never, not even one paragraph.  Bob then asked me
how come I knew about some passages from the Bible and I said that's
because of history and the Discovery Channel.  Then He asked me if I
would be interested in learning about the Bible and reading it.  I
said I would love that because by then my interest was growing but I
could not read because I can not see too well and I need eye surgery
and then get glasses.  After I said this Bob looked at me and said,
"You are going to get a Bible."  After this we talked more and more
about the Lord and one day Bob said I reminded him of a passage of the
Bible in Acts 10 where Cornelius had a vision from God and was told he
was to meet Peter and at the same time Peter also had a vision from
God where he was supposed to meet Cornelius.  Bob always said I
reminded him of Cornelius because he was a powerful and wealthy man
who had given his life and family to God.  Bob said he was always
helping people and he compared me to Him because I am always feeding
and helping people here.  I work in the kitchen here and I have access
to lots of things and here we have people who are alone or have been
forgotten and do not have anything or cannot get any food besides what
they give us.  After talking to Bob I told him we will be a tag team.
I will fill their stomachs and he will fill their hearts by teaching
them the way of God.
Not long after I was at work one day and suddenly one guard called me
on command and asked me who had sent me a very expensive Bible.  Not
wanting to get Bob in trouble I said I did not know.  Then the guard
said I could not have an expensive Bible and I should get one from the
chapel.  I told him the letters were too small and I could not read
them.  Then sarcastically asked me in front of all the officials
around if an "expensive" Bible was going to take me to heaven. I said
I wasn't sure but wherever I was going I was going to go first class.
Everybody laughed and we left it at that.  When I went back to my room
after work I found a beautiful Bible on my bed.  I will never forget
the feeling and it was the most beautiful present anybody had ever
given me.  It had amy name engraved on it.  It was sent by Bob's
nephew Mike and I will cherish it for as long as I live.  I am
counting the days until I have my eye surgery and can start reading it
and start my future life.  I believe it is never too late to make a
change in your life, especially for something positive.
When Bob found out he had terminal cancer he took it like a man in a
way anybody would be envious of.  He took it with dignity and
resignation and his love for the Lord grew even bigger.  It did not
stop him from doing the Lord's work.  When I asked him about his
transfer to another institution he said God wanted him to work over
there.  To me it was so hard to see such a good man go through all
this.  To be without his family in times like this.  I asked him every
day if he wanted to escape out of this place.  I would go with him,
and he just smiled.  Everyday I would ask him, "Are you sure you don't
want to do it?"  He would smile and say the same thing, "The Lord will
take care of me".  Tonight, 3/18/13 we are going to get together with
Bob to say goodbye.  He thinks he is leaving in the morning.  We are
loosing a great friend and teacher but we have gained the way to
eternal life. Thanks to him  our lives and families will be able to
live better by following the Lord.  When I was outside I used to laugh
at people who came out of prison.  Many would be or had become
Christians and with sarcasm I would say, "Sure, the Lord is doing time
in prison. He must be doing life." (Because everybody finds Jesus in
prison.)  Look at me now.  I am eating my own words.  I told Bob we
should not wait to hit rock bottom to search for God's hand.  When we
are free we forget about Him and it shouldn't be like that. The Lord
is always by our side and we should give Him his rightful place in our
lives.  Now I realize coming to prison was meant to be to meet Bob and
I thank the Lord for that.  I will never forget my teacher and friend
Bob.  He will always be in  my prayers and I hope he comes out of this
fire and continues with his work.  I myself want to  continue where he
left.  I will be out in two years and nothing would give me more
pleasure than to meet his family, especially his grandchildren.
That's why I want the grandchildren to know through your veins runs
the blood of a unique man and He will live forever in you.  "God bless
Bob Goris".
Pepe
PS If anyone wants to reach me, you can write at:
Jose E SanchezReg. #16179-041Federal Prison CampPO Box 1000Duluth, MN 55814

231 PP Easter

Dear Prayer Partners,

Well, tomorrow is Easter and I think today was  a beautiful day all over the country. There isn't anything special going on here, but this is what I have and it is really exciting for me. I just got my property (all my stuff) fromDuluth. The main things were my Bible, my Radio and MP3 player. I was listening to Matt Redman, I really like him. I have heard this song probably a100 times, but just finally caught the words. I was so impressed I had to write them down last night.

 This is Matt Redman "10,000 Reasons". Now that I have the words I have been playing it all day on repeat. I feel it's just for me, especially the last two verses. I will write them here. I think to many of you it is an old song, but if not you should download it. Grant or somebody needs to work this up and do it for me. I want it sung when we all get together in Willmar (remember?). I wish you could hear it right now. It liquefies my heart.

Bless the Lord oh my soul, Oooh my soul
Worship his Holy Name.
Sing like never before, oh my soul
I'll worship your Holy Name.

The sun comes up, It's a new day dawn
It's time to sing your song again.
Whatever may part and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes.

Bless the Lord oh my soul, Ooh my soul
Worship his Holy name
Sing like never before, Oh my soul
Worship your holy name.

You're rich in love and you're slow to anger
Your name is great and your heart is kind
For all your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find.

Bless the Lord oh My soul, Oooh my soul
Worship his Holy Name.
Sing like ever before, Oooh my soul
Worship your Holy Name.

And on that day when my strength is faint
The end draws near and my time has come.
Soon my soul will sing your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then for ever more.

Bless the Lord oh my soul Oooh my soul
Worship his holy name
Sing like never before, Oh my soul
Worship your Holy Name.

This will be my Easter celebration.
Bob